Hey, y’all. Is it spring? It feels like spring. I love these mild, beautiful days and somewhat chilly nights. I look adorable in a light sweater. But this is Texas, so these perfect days will only last about another week … then all of those people that bitched about it being too cold will start complaining about the heat. So I am going to try to enjoy the now. Where is my wine?
I’ve always known I was a bit odd, but now I have turned into one of those freaks that feed birds. I live in a house that is right next to a large wooded area, so we get a huge variety of birds in our backyard. Well, recently I bought a bunch of bird feeders to attract more. It worked. We have eight bird feeders around our property, and I have been going through about 15 pounds of bird food a week.
I absolutely love it. Beautiful bright red cardinals with their not-as-pretty harem of little bird bitches. It’s like a soap opera. The females always seem on the verge of fighting each other. We have a lot of dove couples that make the rounds. They are so lovely but so clumsy. We have one pair that had used our carport to nest in for the past four years, successfully raising at least seven clutches of eggs.
I’ve even filled these little fishnet pantyhose things that hold tiny seeds to attract finches. It is always covered in chickadees and yellow finches. We’ve even gotten a few woodpeckers. And yes, they look just like the cartoon. One day last week, I stood on my back porch and watched as at least 60 birds of all kinds enjoyed my backyard. There were birds in the birdbath and covering every possible perch they could find. It’s a bird paradise: Food, water and other birds. I like to think our backyard is like a fabulously fun bar for the avian kind. Think JR.’s with feathers.
One thing I didn’t realize when I set up this awesome spot for birds was it was gonna attract trouble. A few weeks ago, I was standing on my back porch, trying to be still and quiet so the birds would go about their business as if I weren’t around, when all of the chirping and singing suddenly stopped, and they took flight at the same time. I looked up just in time to see a hawk snatch a dove out of midair. It was so violent and quick. I thought, I have made the perfect retreat for birds and in turn have made the perfect place for a hawk to pick up a quick meal. Circle of life, I guess. I feel like I sound crazy. Do I sound crazy? Who cares, I loves my critters.
Now, I gotta tell y’all about another one of my famous trips to Walmart. Let’s rewind to last weekend, Wendy Ho performed with us in the Rose Room. She is a hilarious talent, writing and performing parody songs that both offend and excite me. Her song “Fuck Me” to the tune of Oleta Adams “Get Here” is a classic. I am obsessed with her song “Public Place.” She took Rihanna’s song that says “we found love in a hopeless place,” and made it better with “I suck yo’ dick in a public place.” It’s freakin’ brilliant and catchy. Actually, it is way too catchy. I heard her sing it live on Saturday and Sunday. I couldn’t get it out of my head, so I downloaded it off of iTunes on Wednesday, so by Thursday I was really feeling it. You know you love a song when you catch yourself singing it under your breath all day.
So Thursday my husband and I were in Walmart getting more freakin’ birdseed and looking at plants — you know, as the gays do. And I cannot get Wendy’s song out of my head. Not realizing it, I am singing I suck yo’ dick in a public place in line at the garden center checkout.
I look up thinking I was standing next to my husband, but I was not. I was standing next to and serenading some Billy Bob looking redneck in Midlothian. OMG, the look on his face. What did that look like to him? My no-eyebrow-havin’, pale-AF, chubby-gay-ass singing to some rando in the garden center of Walmart about sucking his dick. I immediately busted out laughing and told him sorry, I have a song stuck in my head. He kind of smiled back and shook his head like, “whatever, dude.” I had to run for the comfort of my husband, giggling and as red as a lobster. I told Jamie what had just happened, and he gave me the same look the redneck gave me, smiling and shaking his head. He is used to stuff like that happening. So thanks, Wendy Ho! I will be doing that song in a show very soon.
And now let’s check the mail bag!
Hi Cassie, I’ve been thinking lately about how I act in my own life and if I ever joke around with people too harshly. My question: Do you ever feel like you go too far on stage joking with people? Do you ever say something and go “Whoops” immediately? I’m not saying that you have (that’s not for me to judge) but just have you ever felt if you have? When I imagine what it must be like up there in the moment, I think I’d always go too far. Thanks, J.K. P.S. Y’all are killin’ it in the Rose Room!
Dear J.K., Thank you for your kind words. I am very proud of what we are doing in the Rose Room, so it’s nice to hear that it is appreciated. But hell, yes, I know I have gone too far. I know people that tell me that I have really pushed the envelope after I thought I had just killed it. By the way, to me going too far mostly means I have hurt someone’s feelings, which I very rarely do. I joke and I kid, and most people know it does not come from a place of hate but of humor. I have told many jokes that I immediately regret. Once I told a guy to get out of the fucking aisle, “What are you blind?” He was in fact blind. Open mouth; insert foot. Sometimes I will say something that will keep me up at night worrying that it might have been too much or was taken the wrong way, but for the most part I try to stand by my jokes. Once I told a stupid Whitney Houston joke, and some lady told me with a scowl on her face, “Too soon!” My response was to take it even further, I told her, Too soon my ass — I was telling 9/11 jokes on 9/12! She was not amused. Not everyone is gonna laugh, and you might even offend, but like I have said before: It’s all about intent. My goal is to show folks a good time. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m okay with that.
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.