Cassie calls ‘Shenanigans!’ on liars


Photo courtesy Krisofer Reynolds

Hello all. As most of you know, I watch way too much TV. I watch hours of mind numbing fluff — possibly as a way to get out of my own head, or because I have very questionable taste. I do not keep up with the Kardashians, but I do visit Redneck Island from time to time. From Face Off to The Real O’Neals, my preferences are varied. If I cooked as much as I watch cooking shows, I’d be a Michelin-star chef.

The other night I was sitting in bed watching the hypnotic screen as it lulled me away to sleepy town when I accidentally hit the remote and it went to live TV. It just so happened to be the opening credits of Brokeback Mountain. I hadn’t watched the movie since it came out in 2005 so I decided I would watch a few minutes. I ended up watching the entire film.

If you haven’t watched Ang Lee’s masterpiece film, based on a short story by Annie Proulx, I urge you to do so. (I’m talking to you millennial gays.)
It’s about a secretive relationship between a couple of cowboys that starts while watching over a heard of sheep on Brokeback Mountain in 1963. The movie is heartbreaking and beautiful. It got me thinking of all of the real life stories of guys like Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar. Men and women throughout human history that could not truly be with the person they loved and it breaks my heart. How many gays hid their relationships, only meeting in secret? How many found true love and actually had a happy life together. I like to think that for every sad, heartbreaking story out there, there are a hundred more that found their happily ever after.

The sad truth is that we will never know much about real gays through history. The stories we get are only speculation. The people in charge that get to shape history tend to omit and edit things so the past is biased. Part of me wants to research more on the topic of gays past, but I’m also not sure of how much of the truth I can take. I know what was done to gays during the Holocaust. I know what is still being done to them in Middle East. I know there was a little more sexual fluidity during Roman times.

It reminds me of how thankful I am to be alive today. We are a lucky lot. Your opportunities to love and be loved are better now than any other time in gay history and some of y’all still can’t get a man. (Winky face!)

Dear Cassie, I have a friend that lies so much. He lies about everything. He lies about guys he’s slept with to the places he has vacationed. It drives me crazy. Should I call him out on it or just let it go. It’s so annoying! Thanks, Ty.

Dear Ty, I think we all lie a little bit. We lie to make ourselves seem more interesting. Sometimes we lie just to hear ourselves talk. Well, not me. I have never lied. That’s a lie. If your friend’s lies are not hurting anyone, I say let it go. Naw, just kidding’! Call that bitch out. Every time you know he is lying call shenanigans. Yell at the top of your lungs Shenanigans!!!

I have a friend that lies a whole lot as well. She must also have a short memory. Once she told me and a group of my friends a story about how she put a sample of Selsun Blue shampoo in the mailbox of one of her enemies. Only it wasn’t shampoo in the bottle, it was Nair mixed with blue food coloring. The story ended with her enemy sporting short hair a few days later. Great story. Only one problem: She was telling a story that had happened to me. I did the exact same thing to my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. He cheated on, stole from and just really fucked my best friend over.
Long story short, I am a horrible person but a great friend.

Anyhoo, back to the liar. She told the anecdote to our group like it was 100 percent her story. I couldn’t believe she didn’t remember that not only was I the one that told her that story, but I had even written about it in this very column about a year before. I should have called shenanigans but I just let her go on, knowing that the people she was talking to knew the truth. It was unreal. Surprisingly enough that was just one of the many times we let her tell us a story that we knew didn’t happen to her. It was very… really, queen?

I admit, I like to embellish — that is part of being a good storyteller. But the balls on that bitch were enormous. We all want to feel interesting so maybe your friend that lies is just trying to fit in. Hoping that if they entertain you, a little white lie is no big deal. It’s when they start to believe their own lies that you have a problem. Live without regrets, call shenanigans! Good luck, Cassie.

Dearest Cassie, First let me say I adore you. Would you ever go or have you ever tried to go on RuPaul’s Drag Race? I think you would kill it. Forever a fan, Jeremy.

Dear Jeremy, Thank you for your kind words. I have been asked and answered this question in the past and the only reason I am revisiting it is because my thoughts on the subject have changed — well, not really changed, but I have come to a realization on the subject. In the past I have joked about not caring to be on that show, but the truth is, I think I would do horribly on Drag Race. Don’t get me wrong: I have more personality than any one show can handle, but that might not be enough to do well on that show.

I don’t think I would do well with the dancing challenges. It takes me forever to learn very basic choreography, but when I have it learned I know it to my core. I just need more time than what you get on such a tight shooting schedule. I don’t sing at all. They always have at least one challenge where those poor queens are forced to sing. There is a reason I lip-synch for a living. And to be perfectly honest, my taste in clothes is very questionable. I have a very certain look I like, and anything away from that look bothers me to the point I am uncomfortable. I am not fashion forward. I don’t wear enough — I like my little hooker dresses and big hair. I definitely have my own style but I don’t think it would do well there.

Plus, it seems exhausting. I’m not sure I have the energy and stamina to keep up with those damn kids. Not to mention, I have a temper and might actually punch the first the first bitch that called me old or fat. I guarantee you it would be good TV but I don’t think it would be fun (for me at least).
Who knows, maybe I will find a show to be on that lets me be me without having to kill myself! Oh my God, I’m lazy!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition April 1, 2016.