Cassie’s rules for social media


Oh, happy day, everybody! I bring you shocking news about our world: Cell phones and social media are ruining everything! Now, I love how quickly you can you can access damn near anything, but that also presents a downside. It affects our attention spans. No one can pay attention to anything for more than a couple of seconds. Oh look, something shiny! On any random night in the Rose Room we have an audience that watches our show for a few seconds and watches their phone for a few seconds and back. It’s like they are watching a tennis match from behind the tennis player. Bitches, don’t sit in the front row if you are gonna be on your phone! I will get you. Feel free to take my picture but that don’t mean I wanna stop everything to be in your selfie.

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram have turned everybody into an expert on everything. Here are my top 10 biggest social media pet peeves:

1. Thinking if you don’t check in at the gym it didn’t happen.

2. Posting pics of everything you eat … ever.

3. Leaving a negative comment when someone says something uplifting — fuck you, Debbie Downer.

4. The ubiquitous ‘woe is me” post, i.e., “No one will date me.” “I don’t have any money.” Or my least favorite, “I think I’m ugly,” which is an obvious attempt to get people to say nice things about you.

5. Tagging me in a post that has nothing to do with me.

6. Vague posts annoy the shit out of me — saying things like, “I can’t believe that just happened.”

7. People that are only brave behind a keyboard, you know those shit-talking Internet bullies.

8. The ever-present post that says, “I just cleaned out my friends list so if you are reading this congratulations, you made the cut.” Thank god!

9. Couples that post daily things about how much they love each other and how perfect things are, when you know how rocky their relationship really is. Scandalous!

10. Tweets where people beg you to follow them.

11. The pic of your ugly feet in front of a pool or the ocean.

Now, even though I say these things annoy me, I am also guilty of some. I just scrolled through my social media accounts and saw four pictures of my feet in front of various bodies of water and three of fancy foods that I have scarfed. What has happened to me? What have I become? Am I a social media whore?

You there, reading this! I bet you are reading this off the Internet instead of the print magazine. Too bad. We can’t escape the web! We lost our AT&T Uverse signal last week at home — nothing worked. No Internet. No cable TV. No nuthin’ for two days. It was awful. I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway, a million miles away from everything and talking to inanimate objects. I was overwhelmed with joy and relief when it finally came back on. Thankfully it is working today, so I can answer some of y’all’s questions.

Hi Cassie, I’m a 50-year-old married mom and grandmother, who also happens to be a life-long tomboy. I have short hair, I don’t wear makeup, and I can’t stand girly clothes or high heels. Because my husband and I are both very outspoken straight LGBT allies with many LGBT friends, we often get “accused” of being closeted gays in a sham marriage. People point to the fact that I’m a tomboy, and say that since I dress and “act” like a lesbian, then I must be one. My sensible side chalks it up to Texas bigotry and ignorance, but after a while, my sensitive side starts to hurt. Any advice for me, Cassie? Signed, Perplexed in Plano.

Dearest PinP, First off let me say thank you for your support and being an ally to our community. It warms my heart to know people like you are out there and it breaks my heart that people say stupid shit to you. I could tell you to just ignore the ignorant things people say but that doesn’t change the fact that those things hurt your feelings. I love that you own being a tomboy. Just be you and piss on the naysayers. When someone accuses you of being a lesbian, say, “I wish I was! Lesbians are awesome. But I am strictly dickly, just ask my husband. Bitch!”

Dear Cassie, How do you fall out of love with your best friend?? When no matter how many times you tell yourself it’s not going to happen that he is the one you see living your life with. Signed, JP.

Dear JP, The best relationships start off by being friends but the impression that I am getting is that he is not into you that way. If that is the case, he can’t force what isn’t there. If you want to keep him as a close friend you need to keep your feelings in check. What is more important: Having him as a friend or trying to force his feelings and possibly ruining the whole relationship? You may want to separate yourself from him. You can’t fall for another if you are always so hung up on someone else. Good luck, Cassie.

Hi Cassie, I’ve made a lot of new gay friends in the past year (which is great!) since I actually moved into Dallas from Plano, and one thing that I seem to notice is how catty they can be, not only among themselves but to strangers they’ll never meet. I’m afraid that I’m going to start picking up their bad habits. Is there any way I can avoid taking that behavior into myself? Thanks, Cordin.

Dear Cordin,  I think it is hilarious you are asking a drag queen about being catty. Seriously though, you tend to take on the traits of the people you hang out with. Either give in to the dark side or really work on not being one of the Plastics. We gays tend to be bitchy and catty for comedic effect, rarely do we mean anything by it. But that doesn’t mean it is right. Being a bitchy queen is so stereotypical, don’t give in. Be yourself. Don’t be a Mean Girl just to fit in. Leave being a cunt to the professionals, like me. Cassie.

I have one wish for you all; I wish you all have the life you that you seem to have on Facebook. May your life be filled with videos of puppy’s being adorable and memes of cats being grumpy. This Internet bullshit looks like it is here to stay, so let’s try to use it for good, not evil. Oh and for porn!

Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition May 15, 2015.