After weeks of crazy weather, Cassie takes out a hit on Mother Nature


You ever have one of those days when you wake up and just wanna stay in bed or get up and punch the shit out of someone? I am having one of those days. This weekend was a big ol’ storm and my yard was raped by Mother Nature with no lube. That bitch knocked down two of my giant pecan trees, ripped my back porch and patio to shreds and bent our carport by knocking another big tree into it. It looked like a scene from a slasher film, but instead of dead teenagers lying everywhere it was hundred-year-old trees, limbs and debris. We were very lucky that the house was not damaged and no one was hurt. My dogs and Ruby the tortoise are all OK, thanks for asking. I am super thankful that things were not worse.

But as thankful as I am, I’m still pissed off. If I ever see Mother Nature out at the club, I am gonna walk right up to her and punch her in the dick! (BTW, in this scenario Mother Nature is a drag queen. I picture her as Endora from Bewitched with a 5 o’clock shadow.)

We can’t even start to clean up until the insurance people come out to access the situation. We have a shit-ton of work ahead of us. On the up side, I will finally be getting the new back porch/patio I have been wanting. My husband is a genius at building stuff, so I am gonna go crazy. Silver linings.

The outpouring of love and concern from our friends and family is kind of overwhelming. Many of our neighbors have come over to offer support. They have all been very sweet to the gay couple on the block. There is nothing like some storm damage to bring a neighborhood together. My mind is everywhere else today so I will do my best to help others by answering some questions. Forgive me if I am more of a cunt with my replies. I apologize in advance.

Hi Cassie, I recently cuddled with a guy, and now I am uncomfortable about it. Somehow this always happens; I always get paranoid about cuddling or even having sex with a guy, because I feel I cannot trust him. How can I get over my fear, how can I trust a guy and how do I go about not feeling like I acquired a STD every time I kiss someone. Thank you Cassie, even though there is so much OMG from you, you always have good advice to give. Signed, the Gay Hypochondriac.

Dear Gay Hypo, Dude, chill the fuck out. You cannot get a STD from cuddling. Your trust issues are going to keep you bitter and alone. Always have safe sex and put the “what ifs” out of your head. You seriously might want to see a therapist to work on your fears about trust. Know the facts about safe sex to keep your paranoia in check. Try yoga, breathing exercises or take a damn Valium. Life is too short to have so many hangups. Relax! Cassie

Dear Cassie, My fiancé and I were recently at one of your shows. We go often; we love all of your Rose Room performances. I like to sit by, watch and enjoy the show. But one of the things my hubby-to-be loves doing is taking pictures with all the girls right in the middle of their performances! I’ve told him it probably gets annoying for all the girls. So the question is: What is the proper etiquette regarding photos and videos of performers during the show and related sharing on social media? Do you girls like to have people share photos/videos (publicity) or does it feel intrusive (paparazzi)? Thanks, Stephen.

Dear Stephen, Thank you for your kind words and your interest in pictiquette. We drag queens and performers in general love to have our picture taken. So here are a few rules to make everyone happy: 1. If you take a picture or video and we look awful, or the angle gives us so many chins we look like Mama June, don’t post it. 2. If the video could win you $10,000 from Americas Funniest Home Videos, post it. 3. It’s better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. Still, if we are performing and really into it or maybe there is some choreography, don’t interrupt to take a selfie with us. You can always Photoshop yourself in later. 4. Also, remember that your hashtags and things you say about a pic or video matter. If you take a picture of a thick bitch wearing a red dress, don’t give the hashtag #HeyKoolAid! Just kidding — funny trumps mean every time. Seriously, just be respectful taking the pics or videos and use common sense when posting things. Just think to yourself, how would I feel if this were me? If you think it’s a bad pic, chances are we would too. Thanks, Cassie.

Dear Cassie, I have noticed lately that a lot of other queens have been slinging my name through the mud. I really hate that I let it get to me, but as an Aquarius, we naturally take things to heart. I’ve been that way my entire life. I know in the drag business you have to have a thick skin but why is it that we as queens have resulted to bullying as a way to get attention? Can’t we all just get along? Thanks, Faharah.

Miss Faharah, Girl bye. Mudslinging, shit-talking and messiness is just par for the course. Yes, you need to have thick skin, but you also need to be able to deflect and retaliate. Social media has made it so easy to talk shit about people. A true queen can shut a bitch up with one good read. Don’t be bitter, be better. You have no control over what others say or do, but you do have control over how you handle a situation. There is nothing more powerful than not giving someone power to bother you and there is no better feeling than knowing they can’t keep your name out of their mouths. Even if they are talking smack about you, at least they are talking about you. And, no, we can’t all just get along. Nice sentiment, Pollyanna, but the reality is, sometimes people just don’t like each other. Sometimes they don’t have a reason why. Most drag queens are very polarizing; some people will love you, while others won’t. No big, just the way things are. Focus on the positive and release the other bullshit. Thanks, Cassie.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, as horrible as the storm was last night, the flood of love from friends today has been filled my heart like a rain barrel. This has been a surprisingly emotional day.

Thanks everybody!  Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition May 29, 2015.