Happy wedding bells, beeyotches!


Hello, summer lovers. I hope you are all doing great in this brand new world, where we can get married!!!! I honestly did not think I would see it in my lifetime — at least here in Texas. So many of these ultra-conservative, Fox News-watching asshats are losing their shit, and it tickles me pink. I totally wanna dress up in a robe like Ruth Bader Ginsburg with gavel in hand and walk around the club saying, “You’re welcome, homos!” I would totally kiss that gal on the mouth. She’s a total bad ass.

The past few weeks have really been emotional for a lot of us. I would always put the thought of getting married out of my mind but now my whole way of thinking has changed. I find myself daydreaming about, “Should I wear a fancy tux or go full out bridezilla in a Vera Wang?” By the way, my partner of more than 12 years said we can get married, but only on our anniversary, that way he doesn’t have to remember another date. He’s so romantical!

I think June 26 should be declared a national gay holiday. All the gay and lesbian people in the U.S. should get the day off to go antiquing. I bet if we got a day off, all those folks that question their sexuality would suddenly be more certain. Hey! A day off is a day off, I guess I do like dick.

In all seriousness, Friday, June 26, was a beautiful day … and a magical night in the Rose Room. The crowd that night was incredible. I actually found it kind of hard doing my opening monologue. I kept getting choked up seeing the utter joy in the crowd and feeling the energy given off. When I asked if anyone here had gotten married today, two very handsome men stood up holding hands and the crowd erupted in applause and cheers that overwhelmed me. It was hard to speak it was such a beautiful moment. Then a cute couple of girls came up and said they too are now married. More cheers. I don’t think either couple paid for a drink all night.

As I looked around that room that night, I saw many friends that had gotten married before in other states. My heart warmed so much for them; you could tell that it just felt different. Even though they were already married, knowing that their union was now legal in our state just solidified the bond between them.

I realized while emceeing that first show that night that I will need some new material. I’ve joked forever that the wedding ring I wear would remain on my middle finger till it was legal in Texas. So I was going to make this grand gesture of taking the ring off my middle finger and putting it on my ring finger, but I couldn’t — my finger has gotten so fat I couldn’t get it off. It has been on that damn finger for 10 years and I have never removed it, even for a minute, ever. Finally, with some help from a string and a tutorial online, I got it off and moved my ring to its proper place. My middle finger still has a ghost ring indent.

I can’t wait for all the gay bachelor and bachelorette parties and I welcome you all to come have a great celebratory night with us in the Rose Room. It excites me to think of all the little gaybies and butch queens having a bachelor blowout, drinking out of little dick straws, wearing glittered sashes and screaming “woo-hoo!” every couple of seconds. I’m even more excited to see the lesbian take on a bachelorette party. I imagine they have boobs on everything, boobs that light up, drinking out of nipple shaped straws. I just can’t wait to be annoyed by gay bachelor and bachelorette parties like I have been annoyed by the straight girls for years. We now have marriage equality and have some catching up to do.

Unfortunately, I know it won’t be long before we start seeing the gays on Divorce Court: Grown men fighting over little dogs and torso sculptures? It’s going to get messy, but so entertaining. I also fear that a lot of gays will run out and get married just because they can without really being committed to the idea of marriage but you know what … who cares, straight people have been doing that for years. So you know, eventually, we are going to see so many of our friends on their third or fourth husbands. I, like so many others, just need to get married once. I am so lucky to have a kind, generous, beautiful man to spend my life with, and now can and will marry, someday. But we’ve only been together since the early years of the Bush Administration, so don’t want to rush into anything.

Congratulations America! Love truly does win!

Now back to my regularly scheduled column where I dish out awesome advice.

Dear Treasured Lady of the Stag (notice I didn’t say “night”), Opposites attract, and I think that is a good thing in a relationship. Lord knows I would not date my twin. You being in a great relationship and seeing many from your vantage point, is it always one person that is more thoughtful than the other? I don’t want flowers or chocolate all the time. But could you pick up on the hints I am laying down about things? I pick up on the stuff you like. Not Surprised in Southlake.

Dear Not Surprised, Two thoughtful people in a relationship is always a great thing, but truth be told, not everyone is thoughtful in the same ways. We usually do things for others in hopes that they will do something similar for us … not that we only do things to get in return, but we treat someone how we want to be treated. What you may see as obvious may not be even relevant to someone else. We are all different and perceive things in different ways. If you are giving hints about something you want out of a relationship but he is not getting it, then just tell him point blank what you want. He can’t read your mind and some guys just can’t take a hint. Men can be stupid so enlighten your dim-witted partner. Everyone deserves to be spoiled a little bit by their partner, so tell him that things like an occasional act of sweetness are important to you. He probably doesn’t know you’re annoyed by his lack of thoughtfulness, so explain it, in a thoughtful way. Good luck, Cassie.

Keep the questions and story ideas coming. This is a brave new world with marriage equality, and with it is going to come a brand new bunch of problems you might need advice for, so here I am waiting to help. All I have ever wanted to do was help people … Nah! Just kidding. All I’ve ever wanted is a big ol’ houseboat and an hourglass figure but helping people is fun, too.

Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question of comment, email it to [email protected].

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 10, 2015.