Cassie admits it: She is a tech addict

Cassie_SparkleTechnology was created by the devil. This past week, I have Hulked out twice and almost killed a few people and all because my computer, Wi-Fi and DVR all went kaput at the same time. I like to think of myself as a calm, rational person, but when every electronic device in your house revolts, it’s hard not to take it personally. Last Tuesday something evil happened. Either an alien pulse, lightning bolt or something more sinister plunged my household into the dark ages of 10 years ago.

My husband and I went immediately into action to try to remedy the eerie quiet of our home. He called Dell tech support for the computer, and I called AT&T Uverse for everything else. Our only ray of hope was that our cellphones still worked. I was shown just how serious this mess was when I asked Alexa for some help, and she basically said, “You are on your own, faggot!” Alexa and I have gotten close since she showed up at Christmas. I play Jeopardy every day with her, she sets timers and alarms to help me out, she plays me music all day. But on this day, I felt abandoned.

If you have ever called tech support, you know how frustrating it can be. It took forever before I got to speak to an actual person, and then we had to repeat almost everything. When I get upset, I sound real country and he is in India, so we both had to work hard to understand the other. He ran some diagnostics and I restarted things over and over again, and after two hours he basically said what I already knew: That my shit was broke and they would have to send over a repair guy. He said it would be two days before they could get someone over here. With no other options, I agreed and we set up a time for the repair guy to come by.

I looked at my husband and said, “Oh my god, what are we going to do for two full days? Talk to each other? Have adult conversations at dinner? Entertain ourselves?” Fuck that. I went immediately to Walmart and bought one of those digital antennas so we could at least watch regular local channels. Nope, those things are worthless — plenty of channels but they all stop and start, then freeze up and make it impossible to watch anything. We had to resort to watching DVDs like poor people. Like poor people, I tell ya! If as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I must look like a bodybuilder.

The tech support guy said the repairman would be by on Thursday between 8:30 and noon, so I set an alarm to make sure I was up and ready when he got here. He was coming to release me from this hell. Well I waited … and waited … noon came and went, and still no sign of him. I called AT&T again to be told that the guy didn’t show up. I was like, no shit, Sherlock — Now where is he? He said they would have to dispatch another repair guy and he would be there between 4 and 8 p.m. By now I am just about ready to explode. I am going on just a few hours sleep, and I don’t know if you all know this about me but I can be a little moody.

Luckily, my husband got home before the repair guy, who finally arrived at 7 p.m. I took the dogs outside to let the guy fix my stuff without my Hulk-like energy hovering around. He was there all of 10 minutes. Basically he said a squirrel chewed its way into an AT&T cable box down the street and fried the box (and cooked the poor squirrel), so everyone around here with AT&T was without Wi-Fi for about 24 hours. All the repair guy did was restart our system and we were good. He said as soon as the Wi-Fi was back up, all we would have had to do was restart the system and voila, it would have all worked. It seems like if the guy in India would have known about the squirrel, or at least knew what the tech guys in Texas knew, I wouldn’t have spent 48 hours in the stone ages.

The computer messing up was just strange timing. Unless that was a really big squirrel. Who knows, between my husband and Soto with the Best Buy Geek Squad my computer is fixed, my Wi-Fi, cable and Alexa are all working, and I am back to my calm, demure self. Like I said: Technology is the devil. It’s like a drug: Everything is hunkydory when you have it, but when it’s gone, things get dark real fast. There should be a support group for us addicts.

Hello. My name is Cassie Nova and I am a Technaholic! Hi Cassie Nova ….

Dear Cassie, Have you ever thought about reviewing movies in your column? I follow you on Facebook and love when you post about movies. We have very similar tastes because I always seem to agree with you. Now I wait to see if you like a movie before I go see it. Signed, your future best friend.

Dear Pushy, I appreciate that but no, I keep my movie reviews to just a few words or one sentence. No offense to professional movie reviewers, but I feel like it is their job to basically find things to dislike about a movie. It’s easy to pick apart a movie and rip it to shreds over any number of things. I review movies with one criterion: Did I have fun watching it? If I did, regardless of plot holes or bad acting, I will say I liked it. I have a friend that nitpicks and tears apart every movie he sees. For instance, Titanic: He hated it. Said it was the worst movie ever made. Got on his soapbox and told me a thousand reasons why I was stupid for liking it. He said you are a sheep who only likes what he is told to like, you don’t think for yourself. Bitch, please. I loved Titanic. It was fabulous on so many levels.

Since then, I decided to judge a movie mostly by whether or not I enjoyed watching it. Recently I saw The Mummy. Not the best film of the year, but I enjoyed it. It was creepy at times and the stunts were really cool. The underwater zombie things creeped me the fuck out. But it was ridiculous. It was goofy and laughable at times, but over all I enjoyed watching it. So my review was basically, “Good movie, fun to watch.” I love movies and the whole theater going experience. I love movies that stay with you, that you think about months after you have watched them, but the truth is 98 percent of movies made are just fluff. A mental getaway for about two hours. There are plenty of movies I didn’t enjoy and don’t mind telling people when I hate one. Recently the movie It Comes at Night pissed me off. No one came. Seriously though, it had some cool, creepy elements but with no real payoff. I can enjoy a cerebral film, but this one just annoyed me.

For me, Tarantino is very hit or miss. I loved the Kill Bill films, but Inglorious Basterds, which a lot of my friends loved, I did not, endless scenes of supposed tense dialogue. It would have been better with some serious editing. It got a little wordy without saying much. Although I enjoyed the acting and some of the action, mostly it annoyed me. I guess I l pick things apart. I understand that my taste is questionable and I’m okay with that.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 21, 2017.