Are you a gold card homo?


Hello my babies! As most of you know, I am a gold card homo. Basically that means that I have never been with a woman sexually. I was lucky enough to never question my sexuality. I always knew I liked dudes. I am so gold card that I kicked a hole through my mama’s tummy so I wouldn’t have to go out of her meat curtains. Supergay!

That is not to say I never had the opportunity. When I was a teenager, I found out girls were just as horny as boys were, but they planned stuff a lot better. When I was 14, my best friends paired me up with one of their cousins, a cute red-haired girl named Irrelevant. I do remember that she planned for everyone to run an errand like go to the store for Pepsi or something. She basically planned for us to be alone for a while, so she could try to get me to kiss her. I refused to take her bait, so she finally went in for the kill … I mean kiss. I was not impressed. Technically that was my first kiss — even though I’d had a dick in my mouth before this incident, that was the first tongue. It was so awkward, I felt like she was trying to stab me with her mouth meat. I was traumatized. Alas, our young love ended that day.

My sophomore year of high school I encountered yet another she-devil. Her name was Vangie, and she was the epitome of a hot ’80s girl. She wore short denim skirts with neon tights underneath. She had a rad Members Only jacket covered in band buttons. Lots of Duran Duran and Def Leppard. She loved to wear brightly-colored scrunchies in her blonde hair, with her long bangs sprayed straight up in the front that cascaded to one side of her face like a wave. She was awesome and liked me way too much. She would meet me at the door after each class just so she could carry my books and walk me to class. And yes, I am embarrassed to say, I let her. On occasion, I would even let her kiss me, but it had to be a very public spectacle — never one-on-one. Poor girl! Looking back, I now see I used her to keep up some kind of straight appearances. I actually really liked her but, you know, just as a friend and a fashion icon.

Like I said, girls plan better. She kept asking me to go to church with her and her family, and I kept stalling saying I would ask my mom. Well, she had her mom call my mom and ask if it would be OK if I stayed the night with Vangie and her family so I could go to church with them that next Sunday. My mom, already fearing my gayness, was way too quick with a “Yes, my son would love to go to church with your family. Thanks for asking.” My mom didn’t even care that I was having a sleepover at a girl’s house — if anything, she was probably hoping that something would happen.

Their home was lovely. It was a huge two-story house with three bedrooms upstairs for her, her parents and her older brother David, whom I had not yet met. I was to stay in the Santa Fe style guest bedroom downstairs. That Saturday evening was nice, a pleasant dinner, a VHS movie played on their VCR (I think it was The Goonies) and then we all turned in because we had church early the next day.

About an hour after lights out, Vangie came into my room. “What are you doing?” I asked. Then she dropped her robe and was standing butt-ass naked in front of me. She jumped in bed on top of me and tried to kiss me. I was like, “No! No! No! This cannot be happening.” She was a very aggressive top. I had to grab her hands and say, “Stop, I cannot do this, I … I … I am a good Christian and I can’t have sex before marriage.” She stopped, looked at me and said, “That makes me love you all that much more James Love!” She got out of the bed, put her robe on and giggled as she ran out of the room with a look of adoration that immediately made me feel guilty.

I laid there for a while thinking about how weird the whole situation was and how was I gonna have to break up with this girl before she tries something like that again. All that hetero wrestling had made me thirsty, so I headed to the kitchen for something to drink. While in the kitchen David, Vangie’s 17-year-old brother, came home. He was hot! Ripped jeans, a Motley Crue T-shirt and long hair. He joked that he and his friends had been at some park drinking beer and Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. He was definitely a bad boy. I remember that he smelled good, a mix of teenage angst and sweat.

We went into the garage and talked for a while, he pulled out a bottle of the Boone’s Hill greatness and we talked some more. Long story short: Dicks were sucked.

The next day, we all went to church. It was so awkward. I sat between Vangie and her brother. I felt that any second a lightning bolt was gonna take me out. She would grab my hand and hold it then ask why it was so sweaty. I sheepishly looked over at David (by the way, he looked great in a suit and tie as well) and he just smiled. The sermon was about guilt, of course. Everything the pastor was saying felt like he was talking to me. I felt so guilty. I felt like Cersei Lannister. Shame, shame, shame! With that bell ringing bitch behind me. But I also felt like hey, I got laid. Silver linings.

And now … I help others.

Darling Cassie, When is the right time to say I love you … oops, I said it. I mean, I do love you, Cassie Nova, Many times you have turned my night around and not just when you sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” I am terrified to say it to my other half because I think they will not take it seriously. And then I will be left a fool. Signed, Feeling Foolish in Funky Town.

Dear FFFT, Boy quit playin’. Tell that boy you love him. He will take it seriously if you really feel it. Life is too short to not express your true feelings. Especially love. Apparently there is just too little of it. Even if he doesn’t say it back to you, it’s important that you say it. If you feel it- say it. Good luck, now do it. Do it now! Cassie.

Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 4, 2015.