Cassie fan-girls out on ‘Star Wars’

Happy New Year, everybody. I hope you all have the 2018 you deserve. That means if you are a shitty person, I hope you have a shitty year; if you are sweetheart and treat people with kindness and decency, then I hope you have a freakin’ awesome year. If you made a resolution, I hope you have the will power to see it through, for at least a few months.

My resolution — more a wish, really — is that everyone else gains a bunch of weight. That way, I seem like I am killing it on my real New Year/New Me bullshit thing I have planned. I am going to listen to Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” every day for motivation. Time to make a change! I think I am going to give up appetizers when I go out to eat. Baby steps, ya know.

Where all of my Star Wars fans at? If you have not seen The Last Jedi, please stop reading now. I am going to talk about spoilers and stuff so you have been warned.

I was recently accused of being such a Star Wars fan that I was brainwashed into loving the movies even if they were awful. There is a hint of truth to that, but it’s not about brainwashing. I just love the stories and characters so much that I have an emotional connection to all of the movies and I always will. That being said, The Last Jedi was not my favorite in the series, though I still loved it.

Here are a few things about the new movie that irked me. First, I love me some Leia. From princess to commander, I don’t care, I love her. But did they really shoot her into outer space? And then she didn’t die, so she “forced” (or Skywalked?) her way back onto the ship? That scene annoyed me — just fuck all science. (Yes I know in the entire movie’s world everything is fiction and very little could hold up to actual science.) I know there could never be an explosion with fire in space, but something about that scene took it too far. I kind of thought they were going to let her die to let us say bye to Leia/Carrie Fisher but nope, she lives… onscreen.

Next is Kylo Ren. I love Adam Driver; he is ugly-hot and gives off this big dick vibe that makes me moist. But Oh My Gaaa he sounded like an entitled bitchy millennial throughout that movie. You are supposed to be some force-wielding badass; act like it and quit whining. And what the fuck is up with Snoke? Who the hell is he? Why is his face so messed up? If he is such a motherfucker that he can use the Dark Side to know Kylo Ren’s every thought, why can’t he tell Kylo is about to cut him in half. You suck, Snoke. At least Darth Vader, Darth Maul and Lord Dooku had presence — hell even the Emperor seemed like a ninja compared to Snoke. I think I hated Snoke more than Jar Jar Binks. Meesa loathed that guy!

All of that being said, I still can’t wait to go see it again. I loved the casino on Cantonica. I loved the underlying “save the animals” theme. I want a porg and wish they were real. I got goosebumps when the kid at the end used the force to move the broom. The gold dice from the Millennium Falcon made my heart jump. Little things that made me nostalgic and hopeful. You can pick apart every movie ever made but I will follow these characters and these worlds till the day I die… maybe even after.

Anyhoo, back to the real world. Let’s dish out some advice.

Dearest Cassie, For Christmas, I put a lot of thought and heart into getting my boyfriend a gift, which he loved, but all he got me was an Amazon gift card. He said it was so I could buy myself whatever I wanted. Seems like a cop out. It makes me think he doesn’t like me enough to put any thought into what to get me. Should I be mad? Thanks, Kyle.

Dear Kyle, Bitch, at least he got you a gift! If he didn’t like you, he probably wouldn’t have gotten you that. Seriously though, not everyone is good at gift-giving. Unless you have a clear vision of what you want to get someone, it’s easy to second-guess yourself into settling for something that is good enough. I get what you are saying, and if he knows you well enough he should be able to find something he knows you will like.

But give the guy a break. Let him know that next time a gift-giving holiday comes around, you want him to put more thought into it. But then don’t be a cunt if you hate what he gets you. It’s about giving, not receiving blah blah blah. Good luck, Cassie.

Dearest Cassie, I have a close friend that is constantly in need of something. He is always short on his rent and needs help from his friends to pay it. He apparently has the worst luck because he is constantly complaining that someone has stolen money out of his wallet yet is out all the time buying drinks. It’s strange — he will be out all weekend, but come Monday he complains that someone has stolen all of his money. His electricity is turned off every other month, and so is his cell phone. Between myself and other friends in our group, we have lent him thousands. We know we will never see that money, but I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to see him end up on the streets, but I am sick of feeling responsible and feeling used by him. What would you do in my situation? Thank you …

Dear dot dot dot, You need to toughen up and tell that bitch “no.” You are his friend, not his parent. He is not your responsibility. It is time for him to grow up. If he knows he can always rely on y’all to help him out and pay his bills, why would he change? It sounds like he is using you all and playing you like a fiddle.

I get that you care about your friend, but you have got to put a stop to any and all financial help you are giving to him. He needs to keep his ass at home and save his money. It sounds to me like he may have a drug or alcohol problem. If that is the case, encourage him to seek help with that. Stop allowing yourself to be used. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is walk away. Let him sink or swim. Be his friend, be his emotional support — not his ATM. Good luck!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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