Cassie-Nova-and-dog_9440Hello everybody. I hope you all had an awesome Thanksgiving. The season of over-indulgence has definitely begun. I should probably just go ahead and buy a pair of stretch maternity pants now.

You know how old people can predict the weather by how their bones feel? Well, I have turned into one of those old people. Let me explain:

When I was in the 7th grade, I fell out of a tree and broke both my arms. It was so stupid. On days we wanted to skip school, my friends and I would climb the tree to look out for the bus.

We lived in Pleasant Grove but got bused to our junior high school way over in North Dallas. We went to the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Career Exploration Academy. Fancy, right? Needless to say, if we missed the bus our moms would just let us stay home. That was a long-ass drive.

On this particular morning, we wanted to skip school because one of my best friends had just rented Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo on VHS. It was my turn to climb the tree and be bus lookout, so I climbed as high as I could go. Then the branch I was standing on broke. I put my arms out to break my fall and protect my head. The damage was done.

My right hand was touching my right elbow. My left hand was dangling by my left elbow. Luckily none of the bones broke the skin. Unluckily, I landed face down in poison ivy. I knew it was bad when I flipped myself over and all of my other friends jumped back with this horrified look on their faces yelling, “Damn!”

My friend Adam ran to get my mom. Within moments, my superhero of a mom had me scooped up off the ground and on the way to the hospital. I had to have day surgery immediately to set the bones. I know it happened on a Thursday because when I woke from anesthesia, The Cosby Show was on, then Cheers and Night Court. That was the original “Must-See TV” line-up.

It’s crazy weird what you remember when shit like that happens to you. I don’t remember pain from my arms, but I do remember pain in my ass from a shot the doctor gave me. Plus, I had a bruise on my butt the size of a grapefruit from that shot.

The absolute worst part of the whole experience wasn’t the fact that I walked around school for months like C3PO; it was that I couldn’t even wipe my own ass. I remember being mortified when my great-grandmother, whom we called Mum Mo, asked me if I needed help with anything in the bathroom. I was like “HELL NO — I mean, no ma’am.” Thanks for the offer but that is a hard pass. I will just take another shower.

It wasn’t all bad. I had my meals fed to me at school by my cute friends. I couldn’t get my food to my face. Plus, my grades improved. Since I couldn’t write, my teachers gave me my tests orally. They would ask me if the answer was A, with a frown on their face, B with a frown on their face or C with a smile. I would say “C” and viola, all As.  Silver linings!

The point to my story is this … . Um, well. Ok, there is no point to this story. But it is going to rain this week.

Dear Cassie: I started dating a guy last summer and we really hit it off. At the time, I was in school and living at home, and for a brief period of time he even moved in with my family and I before he got his own apartment. Needless to say, he became a fixture in mine and my friend’s lives. To this day people still associate us with one another, and we’ve been broken up for a year. We had been dating for four months when he told me he cheated on me with a friend of mine from high school and we ended things. Since then we’ve developed somewhat of a friendship, and have spent time talking about us. A few weeks ago, he started dating the ex-boyfriend (of two years) of the man he cheated on me with (who I also went to high school with).

While I’m completely happy that he’s finding happiness, the man won’t take off the necklace that I’ve been wearing for two years! I spent the night at his house (nothing sexual) just days after he started talking to this new man and in the morning he put the necklace on and jokingly told me that I wasn’t getting it back. This was nothing new; over the last year he’s worn it multiple times, but only when he was single. The necklace has been something that everyone notices he’s wearing and they all know it’s mine. But I’m not sure how to feel about him wearing it in pictures with this new guy. I feel like it’s a little weird that he’s wearing something of mine while trying to start a relationship with someone new. Am I wrong? What do I do?

Dude! Quit being a bitch and tell him you want your damn necklace back. Okay!

Dear Cassie: My partner and I have been married for six months. For the last few months our sex life has gone downhill quickly. We went from have sex four to five times a week to once a week, and now we have not had sex in two weeks. He has started to masturbate to porn all the time. He says he is too tired to have sex most of the time. I have never been able to get him off through sex without masturbation. Is there something I can do to improve our sex life? I feel like he has gotten bored with me. Signed, Unsatisfied.

Dear Unsatisfied: I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, but just because gays can get married in some states does not mean you should get married. If ya’ll are experiencing this kind of unhappiness while still in the “honeymoon” phase of your marriage, think about how it will be in a year or two. It sounds like you both jumped into the marriage boat because it was new and shiny, when you should have been checking to see if your boat will even float. I hope you don’t have to jump ship.
Good luck.

 Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition November 28, 2014