Trust, possessiveness, friendship: Cassie is full up for the holidays

Happy holidays, everybody! I hope your season is as bright and shiny as Kim Kardashian’s ass. But seriously folks, this is the season of giving so do something great for someone else, even if it is just a handy to a friend in a parked car. Give ’til it hurts. I’d like to give a special shout out to Edna Jean Robinson and all the entertainers who showed up at JR.’s on Dec. 2 for Edna Jean’s Trailer Park Christmas Show. They raised a lot of money for the kids at Sam Houston Elementary School. And isn’t that who the holidays are really for … those horrible, selfish, greedy little kids. Just kidding! Great job from everyone involved. Those kids are lucky to have drag queens as their “fairy” godmothers to watch out for them. This year I will be giving … advice. So here goes.

Hi Cassie, I have seen you at the Rose Room many times and love your personality — you’re an amazing comedian. I am a 22-year-old bi guy (just want someone to love and love me back no matter gender) who has recently fallen in love with my best friend, who is straight. He knows I like him and we still go on “bro” dates and hang out a lot. My feelings for him are to the point that I want to kiss him and hold his hand; I like taking care of him. His mom loves me and treats me like a son. She cuts my hair and cooks me food and invites me over for Thanksgiving and family events. She talks to me about my best friend, Scott, and asks me to help him find himself. She is not dumb — she figured I was bi or gay. And I feel she thinks the same of her son or she wouldn’t ask me to help him figure things out. I have asked Scott, and he says he is straight, so I have left it at that. I now avoid him because my feelings are still growing for him. What do I do to get back to just being friends? I want him in my life. Just know it won’t be how I want. Sincerely, Bi-myself.

Dear Bi,
First off, you are not being a very good friend. If he says he is straight you have to respect that. You can’t project your issues on him. If you truly want him in your life then you need to be his friend and be there. When you are 22 years old, your feelings are so hard to keep in check. But that is what you need to do. Second, don’t call them “bro dates.” You are just making it weird. Stop putting him on a boyfriend pedestal. If you can’t distance your feelings then maybe you should distance yourself. Good luck, Cassie.

Dear Cassie Nova, I recently competed and won my first pageant!! But the amount of shade being thrown is so ridiculous I would rather be bitten by a zombie and remain a walker for the rest of my life! What’s the perfect way to shut the haters up?! Yours Truly, Miss Shaded Hated America 2014.

Well Miss Shaded Hated,
I am the last person to be giving advice on pageant related issues, but as long as your name is in their mouth, let them choke on it. Don’t be a walker. Eat their shade and sashay on to your next booking. Bloop!

Dear Cassie, I am newly remarried and am annoyingly, blissfully happy with my man. Here’s the problem: I am finding myself being (at least in my own head) too possessive. I feel like the bratty kid in the sandbox who refuses to share her shovel. Here’s a bit of background. My husband gets along better with women and has more female friends than male. That sits OK with me because I have more male friends than female, so there’s a mutual understanding. However, I keep experiencing a gnawing irritation when these ladies are cyber-present. It’s immature of me, but I feel annoyed having to share “us” time with them … even the ones I really like. I realize, intellectually, that the problem lies with me and that I’m being irrational. I just don’t know how to fix it on an emotional/psychological level. I didn’t have this struggle with my ex…maybe because I wasn’t emotionally invested in that relationship. So, what do you suggest? Signed, NJonas.

Dearest NJonas,
This is easy: Do you trust him? If you do, let those ladies be charmed by your man. No one will admit it, but we love it when someone else is jealous of what we have. Let him have his cyber friends. Take comfort in knowing it is you he comes home to, it’s you that he married and loves. But always keep an eye on the situation and trust no bitch. I trust my husband 100 percent but that does not mean I trust others. Oh crap, maybe I am just as possessive as you are. We should start a support group. Cassie.

Here are a few of my most recent random thoughts: I call the patch of hair above the ass crack “the tramp thatch.” Why is that stupid white man gonna let an anaconda swallow him? Kristen Stewart looks like she stinks, but Kristen Chenoweth probably smells like sugar cookies.

Merry Christmas everybody!
Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO Cassie Nova.
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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition December 12, 2014