Cassie_8433-FINAL

Cassie schools clubgoers about how to attend a drag show

Hello all. I think it is time for a little schooling on the do’s and don’ts of watching a drag show. Have you ever been to a show and had to deal with that annoying drunk who just won’t sit his or her ass down? They think they have to dance with every entertainer, like it is their job? Well, it is not their job; it is that entertainer’s time to shine. If you want to be in the show, there is a talent night on Thursdays. We love the enthusiasm of a great audience, but come on now — I don’t want some random drunkie twerking and grinding up against me … unless you got buns, hun. Tips are always appreciated, but a buck is not a payment for you to slur and slobber all over me.

Here is another bit of advice: Feel free to take lots of pictures, but don’t get an attitude if we don’t wanna take a selfie with you while we are performing. Drag queens are fickle, moody creatures and should be handled accordingly, like exotic zoo creatures with razor-sharp fangs. Oh, and if we do take a picture with you, never wrap your arm around the back of our necks. You might accidently tug on a wig and turn my normal forehead into a Tyra Banks forehead (or is that considered a five-head?).

As for birthdays and bachelorette shout-outs, that’s a tough one. Sometimes we are all about it. Other times there might be a really hot straight guy we have to embarrass, or a girl dressed so wretched we have to address it. The great thing about a drag show is the spontaneity. You never know who or what will catch my eye that needs to be made fun of. Please keep in mind that all insults are made in good fun. If you ever get insulted by a master drag queen, take it with a grain of salt. You try tucking, taping and cinching and see if you don’t get moody.

Actually, all of the above rules or suggestions can be considered null and void if the price is right. You would be amazed at what I can tolerate for a big bill. Twenty bucks will make me care so hard for your random co-worker’s birthday or your straight friend’s first time to see a drag show. Hell, I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.

Now let me help out some poor, unfortunate souls.

Dear Cassie, I was talking to a guy I’ve known through a mutual friend for a few years. I recently moved back to Dallas and we came in contact again. We went on a date, everything went great and we both have the same feeling towards each other. I liked the guy — very nice, sweet and attractive.

Last week, I was out of town for a family emergency and he texted me, saying he hoped everything was OK, wished he was with me during that time, etc.,  which was really sweet. Then he asked how my family member was doing? I told him but he never responded, so I left it alone. The next day I texted him and again — nothing but crickets. On the third day, I texted saying “poor me, feeling ignored but have a great day at work.” I was being sarcastic, but he replied saying he couldn’t take it anymore — that I was looking for someone to text all the time but he’s not the one to do that, so he was done. I responded that I was just joking and he replied calling me a piece of shit and “that’s why you’re single.” I haven’t apologized to him as I’m sure I hurt his feelings, but I want to. It’s 2015 — everyone is on their phone and posting on Facebook all the time. I don’t get it. He was a great guy but I guess the lack of communication [got to me]. I don’t wanna sound needy because I’m not, but I’m all about communication. So Cassie, what is your advice on what I should do about the situation? Thank you for listening. Love, ShakeIt14.

Dear Shakeit14, Your friend asked me for advice a few weeks ago so it is interesting to hear your side of the story now. I will tell you what I told him: Sarcasm does not translate well in a text. You both have a lack of very basic communication skills. He should be clear about when he can text you back and you need to chill on constant texting him and expecting an immediate response. You sound like you need constant reassurances that things are OK, but sometimes you need to take a step back from the situation before you say things out of anger. Your hurling of hateful names and insults make you sound like a dick. If you want to apologize you should, if only for your own peace of mind, but try an actual phone call. Say what you really mean to him without all the speculation that comes from a poorly-worded text. Oh and FYI, some people actually post to Facebook using a computer, not their phones. Cell phones are supposed to connect people, but sometimes they can drive you apart. If you really like him, ask him to meet you for coffee and talk it out. Good luck, Cassie.

Dear Cassie, Why are queens so mean? Signed, Zach.

Dear Zack, Shut up, Bitch! Signed, Cassie.

Hope you all have a fab February. Remember, when you’re at a drag show, keep an open mind, show respect and have a blast. We feed off your good energy like vampires feed on blood.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question and want to suggest for Ask a Drag Queen — or just have some juicy gossip to share — email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition February 6, 2015.