Cassie’s tongue-in-mouth disease


Hello, friends and bitches. I hope you all are having a freakin’ fabulous day. If not, quit being a Debbie Downer and perk up, Buttercup! Life is short. Fake it till you make it. Put on a smile until you believe it. Drink an entire pot of coffee, eat a Snickers, do a shot of Fireball and kick a baby! Do whatever you need to do to enjoy life today. Instead of our first female president, the orange one has won. I am sure before long our cities will be on fire as the demon hordes drag us to hell. OK, so I am being dramatic … or am I?

I came to a realization recently that I thought I would share with you. I had a dick in my mouth years before I had someone else’s tongue. Shocking, right? The penis I took to like a champ, but when I had my first French kiss, I threw up. I am not being dramatic or hyperbolic — that is the honest truth. Let me explain.

I lost my virginity to a boy when I was very young (13). The hormones kicked in and I knew exactly what I wanted and I went and got it. It wasn’t romantic at all. We started off wrestling (in our underwear) and ended up basically negotiating what we were going to do. It was very, “if you do this, I will do that,” and so on. He was 14, so I apparently had a thing for older men even back then. Our wrestling/negotiations went on for years, but we never kissed.

When I was 15, my best friends — who just so happened to be twin brothers — both had girlfriends and I always seemed to be a fifth wheel. So one afternoon during the summer, they set me up with their cousin, Donna. She was a cute girl with long red hair. We all went over to one of the girlfriend’s houses to hang out while her parents were at work. We would be adult free till about 6 p.m. As soon as we got there, everyone paired off and went into separate rooms. I was left alone with Donna in the living room.

I knew I was gay then, but didn’t want anyone in the world to know so I had to keep up appearances. Donna obviously liked me. Like, really liked me. She was all hands — I swear it was like fighting off an octopus. I learned that day that girls are just as horny as boys. I played coy and shy with her, even though I was playing bobbing for cocks the day before. I finally got her to chill out a bit by telling her I didn’t feel well. We finally agreed that I would be OK with us cuddling on the couch.

We lay on the couch and I closed my eyes to rest. I didn’t mind a little snuggling. I barely opened my eyes a slit and she was staring at me while I pretended to be a sleep, so I kept them closed. She had been running her fingers up and down my chest so when she stopped I figured I could open my eyes. Wrong! That’s when she went in for the kiss.

I opened my eyes slowly with a yawn and our eyes locked. I couldn’t look away. I had nowhere to go, my head was against the armrest. She leaned in and we kissed. At first, it wasn’t that bad. It was soft and tender. Then she got real aggressive with her tongue and started to stab me with it like I was a vampire and her tongue was the stake that was going to end my life. It just kept jabbing me, in and out of my mouth. I pictured that scene in Psycho when homegirl is getting stabbed in the shower. YINK! YINK! YINK! I was getting stabbed in the face.

I jumped up so fast I almost chipped a tooth. I mumbled “sorry” as I held up my finger up in a be right back / one moment gesture. I ran to the bathroom and threw up the suicide fountain drink I got at the gas station. There was nothing actually wrong with me other than I realized that I was for-sure gay with a capital G! Donna was a very cute, sweet girl with perky little boobs, and she was obviously ready to do whatever I wanted to do. Any regular straight guy would have loved to be in my position, but I was sitting in my best friend’s girlfriend’s bathroom floor in tears. I had the confirmation that I didn’t know I needed and it was kind of devastating.

I think part of me thought that I could have the girlfriend, a cover up that would help me hide that I was gay. But when Donna kissed me, I realized I’m not that good of an actor. Poor Donna knocked on the door and asked if I needed anything, I said I was OK just not feeling well. I apologized and told her I thought she was great but things were moving a little too fast for me. She said she understood and that she was sorry if I felt pressured. I think she knew, “This boy is G-A-Y!” So we spent the rest of the afternoon watching MTV. (This was way back when they actually played music videos.)

I think my friends thought more happened in that living room than what actually did, and Donna let them believe whatever they wanted. So did I, and I was grateful. Being a teenager is crazy. Everything feels like it is end of the world. The smallest thing can happen and you would swear you won’t get through it … but then you do.

Now for a question or two.

Dear Cassie, What is the strangest thing you have learned from being a drag queen for all this time? Thanks, Tim.

Dear Timmy, Drag as a whole is strange to most. My normal is out of this world to a lot of folks. For me, drag has been such a big part of my life for so long it all feels normal. One thing that is strange to me happens almost every night I do drag. It usually happens about 45 minutes after I get out of drag, usually in the car on the way home. Like clockwork, I can always count on a sneezing fit. It is so annoying, but I will sneeze about 8 to 12 times a night. I think it is my body trying to rid my insides of drag residue. Between the powders, perfume, hairspray, bronzer and other crap that hover in our dressing room, my nasal cavity probably filters the equivalent of the L.A. smog of the ’80s. I’m not sure if the other girls go through this or if I am the only one.

Dear Cassie, What do you use to take off your make up? I can’t find anything that takes everything off? Signed a straight girl that loves drag queens!

Dear Straight Fish, When I first started doing drag I used baby oil. It is horrible. Then I found Albolene. It works great. You can get it at Walgreen’s; it costs about 18 bucks a tub. Now I use coconut oil. It is amazing. I get it at Wal-Mart, next to the olive oils. A huge tub will cost you $7–$8. The only downside is it melts at a very low temperature. If it gets warm at all it will be a liquid. It still works but can leak if not properly stored. Coconut oil rubbed into the makeup on your face, removed with a warm washcloth and then I clean my face of any remaining oil with a baby wipe and voila! Clean face!

Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition November 11, 2016.