Happy Pride, bitches!

Cassie_8452I am not normal. Everything I do is always a little strange. Even my damn dreams are peculiar. Most people that dream of flying recall how they soar all over the world like a fantastic superhero or a graceful eagle. Not me. Every time I dream I am flying, I have to franticly flap my arms or else I will fall out of the sky. As for my nightmares, I am always being chased by zombies. Zombies freak me out, but in my dreams, they taunt while they chase me, screaming, “You betta run, nellie boy, cuz we gonna eat you!” Did I mention they are always redneck zombies? My point is, I accept my weirdness. I embrace my abnormal dreams and my crazy life. There is never a dull moment in the world of Cassie Nova.
Now let’s get to work.

Dear Cassie,
I have a boyfriend of seven years. He is in the military, overseas until April 2015, and has been gone since June 2013. I miss him terribly and it’s getting harder and harder without him. I love him with all my might. The problem is, I love sex all the time with him — there is not a day that I couldn’t get it from him. Now that he’s away, he told me — since he couldn’t take care of me — that I could get one someone every so often that was “DDF” (as I am).  I did so a couple of times, but it’s not the same as being with him. I just don’t like hooking up with strangers. I’ve also done the toy thing but it’s not the same as the real thing. My question is: What can I do to satisfy my needs without hooking up with someone? I know this sounds stupid but really need some advice. Thank youMissing my man

Dear 3M, First off, thank your man for all does for our country and our freedoms. I cannot imagine being away from my love for that long. My heart goes out to you both. Now for some real talk. Bitch, you need to quit dwelling on “your” needs. Spank it, take a cold shower and get a freaking hobby. Every time you start to think of hooking up, think of the sacrifice your man has made! The least you can do is be faithful. I don’t mean to get preachy, but not everyone finds love. The lucky ones who’ve found true love should hang on to it. It’s hard, but satisfy yourself ’til he gets back when you can satisfy each other. Good luck with your red, white and blue balls, Cassie.

Dearest Cassie, My question is this: Being an entertainer with fans across the globe, and a larger than life stage persona, how do you balance the lives between Cassie and James? As drag entertainers, people get to know the stage version of you and only a few people actually get to know and be close to the real you. I’ve seen it over and over again: Those hugely popular and extremely accomplished, with the most recognizable names in the industry, are somewhat alone when they cross over into the afterworld. How do you keep James’ life full and nurtured as well as the stage presence we all know and love as Cassie Nova?Daniel Hollingsworth, Waco.

Well, Danny from Waco, that is a tough question. The easy answer is that I have an awesome husband that loves me and supports everything I do. I have great drag sisters that care enough about me to keep me from feeling friendless and alone. I have a bunch of four-legged kids that give me purpose and make me smile everyday. And I have family that is always there when it truly matters. But the truth is, when I was single, years ago, I felt lonely a lot. It was easy to get bitter about everything. I sympathize with those performers that cannot find happiness. It is hard to be adored on stage when you are dressed up and ignored when you are not. I am lucky enough to be loved. I am proof that all it takes is love to keep you from turning to the dark side. Whoa, that shit got deep. Sorry. Cassie.

Here is another installment of Tales from the Drag Side. Years ago, I was booked to do a show with the fabulous Grandma Porkey at Choices in Longview. I and two other homos packed the car for a cute little trip. In some small town on the other side of Canton, we got pulled over. I think we may have been speeding. I was sitting in the back seat painting my nails for the show. That means my plastic nails were stuck to some duct tape on the lid to a shoebox while I put a fresh coat of whore red on them. Of course, I had also painted my toenails out of boredom. The very handsome police officer walked up to the window, looked at us, cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy and said, “What the hell are you doin’?” I said, “I am painting my nails for my show tonight.” He said, “Show? What kind of show?” I figured honesty is the best policy. I said, “A drag show … tonight … in Longview.” He said, “OK” but he said it really slow …. like OOOhhh-kaaayyy. Then he asked, “So what will I find if we open the trunk?” I was getting nervous but I wanted to be compliant. I said, “A Bob Mackie gown, a makeup kit, two wigs on wig heads and a duffle bag with some other costumes, fake titties and a fake ass. He said, “Pop the trunk.” I kept thinking of that crazy cop from To Wong Foo. Denny, who was driving, did as the policeman asked. He looked in the trunk and started to laugh. He came back to my window and asked,” What time does the show start?” He said his wife has always wanted to see a drag show. I told him and he said, “Cool, I hope to see you there.” And he let us go with a warning to slow down.

That night, not only did he show up to the show but he brought a whole group with him. It was an awesome show and we made sure he had a great time. He was a good tipper and bought shots all night long. I bet that was not his last drag show. I love it when people surprise you.

Remember to dream big my lovelies, even if you have to flap your arms like a chicken to do so. Be proud to be you!
Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.

If you have a question or some juicy gossip to share, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 19, 2014.