2013 Chevrolet Spark

Automakers have entire studios dedicated to coordinating a vehicle’s outfit, from details about the interior trim, to the precise woodgrain pattern. And, of course, exterior paint colors. Some of those hues have names so butch Paul Bunyan would feel like a sissy.

But others must have been selected by a team of club queens tweaking on their choice of drug. At least it seems that way.

We searched the automakers color catalogues to compile a list of the gayest colors out there.

You gotta question a man who goes around flaunting his blue ox, Babe. Even in a GMC Sierra, he could choose Fire Red, Onyx Black or Mocha Steel Metallic; I’m not sure what any of those mean, but they sound sexy and macho. By contrast, Ram trucks have bruisers like Case Construction Yellow, Detonator Yellow and the straight-guy appropriate blandness of Dark Brown and Bright White. (While Ram’s names are toned down, the actual colors will rock your socks.)

Most of the truly flamboyant colors come on cars likely to be owned by flamboyant drivers. Chevy’s new micro-car, the Spark, is proud of its rainbow: Techno Pink (pictured above), Lemonade, Jalapeno, Salsa and Silver Ice (the latter sounding like the hottest new malt beverage). Ford’s Fiesta sports a package of shades that sound like names for skimpy Speedos: Lime Squeeze (below), Blue Candy, Race Red, Yellow Blaze and Tuxedo Black. Or maybe you’ll stop by the coffee shop and indulge in Mini Cooper’s Hot Chocolate, Pepper White, Spice Orange, Ice Blue or (not making this up) Highclass Gray!

There are a few more that only a half-blind fashion designer could have conjured. Scions come in Hot Lava and Black Currant Metallic (a purplish hue that would look great as microshorts). Fiat’s Fiat’s Verde Olivia is a shade of light green, but sounds like a maneuver you might perform between sheets. Afterwards, you could smoke a cigarette over a glance of Rosso, Espresso or Bianco (all car colors), or explore your partner in the Dodge Dart’s Pitch Black.


2013 Ford Fiesta SE

Although these names sound gay, their vehicles are anything but. Cashmere Pearl Coat and Copperhead Pearl Coat come on the uber-family friendly Dodge Caravan! Ashen Gray and Carbon Flash Metallic sound like lounge decorations, but emblazon the Chevy Camaro. Gay or straight, it is hard to deny the allure of Torch Red, Blade Silver Metallic, Velocity Yellow or Supersonic Blue on the Corvette.

So, what does your car’s color say about you? Are you a farmer if your Ram is painted Case IH Red or wear skinny jeans if your Spark is Denim blue? Or, are you a big queen puff if you go for Candy White on your VW Beetle or Imperial Blue Metallic on a Camaro? Any color is gay if you’re behind the wheel, so choose what you want, and paint like Skittles. Even a lumberjack once tried on an azure coat.

— Casey Williams

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 17, 2012.