Glen Maxey’s new book investigating the persistent Rick Perry gay rumors, Head Figure Head: The Search for the Hidden Life of Rick Perry, is so full of pseudonyms the characters involved sometimes seem more like archetypes than people. Names like “The Journalist,” “The Capitol Insider” and “The Jogger” are reminiscent of the Tarot cards some use to predict the future: “The Hanged Man,” “The Magician,” The Tower,” et cetera.

Which got us at Houstini thinking… what would a “Joey the Hustler” card portend in a fortune? Or “The Former Legislator?” (These will make a lot more sense if you’ve read the book (or our review).)

The Journalist

The Journalist card indicates you will soon be screwed over by your boss's squeamishness. Beware upcoming deadlines - they will keep changing. Now is a good time to buy an influential person steak.

The Former Legislator

The Former Legislator card indicates that you like public attention, but not too much public attention. Attend to your private life as it may soon become very public with disastrous results. Now may be a good time to move to San Antonio.

Joey the Hustler

Joey the Hustler indicates you are good at attracting money to yourself, but are naive in the ways of the world. Consider starting a relationship with an older partner. Invest wisely now, your looks will go someday, or you may have to flee the country to get away from hit men.

Robby the Republican Staffer

Robby the Republican Staffer indicates that you may soon experience turmoil in your career due to a problem with your supervisor's private life. Now is a bad time for you to start a relationship, since your inability to be yourself in public will cause problems. Consider a career in bartending.

James the Jogger

James the Jogger indicates you are fun loving and find it easy to meet people. You will soon be disappointed by a new man in your life. Get STD tested soon.

We only did a fraction of the dozen characters in Head Figure Head, help us out by leaving your best suggestions in the comments.