Written by Dennis Vercher in 1995
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and just like a louse,
Bruce was kicking himself, all over his house.
His senses were frazzled, his brow worn with care.
He’d been shopping, you see, where no sane one would dare.
He’d been to the malls, and the grand stores outlying;
But when it was over, he thought he was dying.
The mallrats were crawling, the housewives, they’d glare;
The traffic was awful, the clerks didn’t care.
But Bruce got to thinking. When chatting with Bob,
"I could have avoided the hassles, and all the mob.
"I should have shopped at the gay-friendly stores.
They offer good values and fab gifts galore."
And Bob said, "Oh, honey, that’s just what I did.
Very few housewives, and nary a kid."
So Bruce was resolved nevermore to submit
To the madness of shopping with all those nitwits.
Next year would be different. His faith would attest;
He’d shop at the gay-friendly stores — they’re the best!
And just then he turned with his lips all a-quiver;
He swore this fair oath, a reformed gift-giver:
"No mallrats, no housewives, no hassles or traffic;
No rude clerks, no jostlers, no artificial fabric.
"I’ll shop at the trendy and gay-friendly stores.
I’m through with the madness. I’ll endure it no more."
Then Bruce checked his outfit and rose his full height.
He was off to the parties and a hot winter’s night.
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READY, AIM, SWISH!
Santa Claus may know when you’ve been good or bad, but only the just released Gaydar Gun can tell the orientation of the one you’ve been naughty with! Take this novelty adult toy, aim, shoot and listen to the gun decide who’s straight and who’s light in the loafer with countless catty barbs. Just don’t point it at your family reunion unless you want a very uncomfortable Christmas dinner. $39.95 to $44.95.
There’s always one thing you can get the man who has everything: a money clip (after all, if he has everything, he has money!). And if you can make it local, all the better. The Nasher Sculpture Center has designed the Duck Bill Clip, a sleek instrument for holding cash and cards that can be ordered personally engraved with the recipient’s name ($36, $10 more for engraving).
Nasher Sculpture Center Store, 2001 Flora St. and at NorthPark Center.
A SONG COMING ON
Looking for something for that show tune crazed boyfriend or girlfriend that doesn’t require a flight to New York and orchestra seats in a Broadway theater? Look no further than the Dallas Summer Musicals gift shop, which sells collectible memorabilia from tons of musicals — from T-shirts to ball caps to coffee mugs or even CDs to sing along to! Starting around $15.
Dallas Summer Musicals Gift Shop, 5959 Royal Lane. 214-421-5678.
WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE
For that high-strung, Type-A personality who’s impossible to shop for, nothing soothes the soul more than a fountain, available from Surrey Lane. Inspired by the abstract artifacts found in the nation’s foremost modern art museums, the sleek lines of this abstract sculpture fountain create a Zen atmosphere with the calm sound of cascading water over a faux-stone finish that resembles hand-hewn granite. $249.95 (10 percent discount on all online orders).
Surrey Lane, Surreylanegifts.com.
You can’t stop the march of time, but at least you can make it more stylish to document — and the selection of men’s watches from o.d.m. make that easy. Available in a variety of styles, you can choose between the sleek and beautiful Zen model (pictured; $235) which goes well with jeans or a tux, or the snarky Link ($140), which you can program with a scrolling message.
SIT! STAY! SLEEP!
You’ve allowed your dog to share your bed long enough — it’s time for you and your partner to have some "us" time. But that doesn’t mean condemning the pooch to the cold linoleum, at least not with a range of pet bedding options from Petropolitan. Washable mats from Bamsart allow you to customize your dog in comfort in a heavy gauge canvas ($149 to $249), or you can even bet more tradition furniture for the princess in your life (from $189) from Von Pooch.
Petropolitan, 408 N. Harwood St. 214-741-4100.
CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!
The trolley we’re talking about doesn’t have Judy Garland riding on it, but it’s perfect for the "friend of Dorothy" who knows how to entertain. Designed by Frederic Ruyant for Ligne Roset, a brilliant chromed steel frame cart is available covered in white lacquer ($1640, pictured) or ebony oak ($1550) for a stunning way to serve drinks or anything else that will capture someone’s eye.
Ligne Roset, 4516 McKinney Ave. 214-742-2300. Ligne-roset-usa.com.
SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN
The name of Travis Walk’s Needless Necessities says it all: Little extravagances you have to go without. Any why should you — or your giftee — go without one of the retro kitchen doodads here? Gracious Goods offers a full line of gorgeous accessories, including ceramic-and-metal bread boxes ($235), creamer set ($169) and covered bowl ($65).
Needless Necessities, 2926 N. Henderson St. 214-824-0700. Needlessnecessities.com.
I LOVE MY CALENDAR BOYS
We love our strapping Texas cowboys, but we have to admit: the surfer studs capture by West Coast photographer Mark Edward in his "California Dreaming" calendar from 10 Percent give Texans a run for their money. Not all are even from Cali, but who cares when you get a year’s worth of beefcake?
COLE HARD FACTS
Were you panting to see fashion icon Kenneth Cole at the Black Tie Dinner last week but couldn’t afford a ticket? Well, you can settle for the next best thing: A designer pendant from his Reaction line. Choose from a cross to an Italian horn to crystal ($30 to $45). Not only is it cheaper than a ticket to the dinner, it’ll last longer.
Union Jack, 3920 Cedar Springs Road. 214-528-9600. UnionJackDallas.com
For the business traveler on your list, the Aviator laptop stand may be a sanity saver. This eco-friendly product (made from 99 percent recycled materials) fits all laptops and provides a secure, user-friendly way to elevate your screen even when the passenger in front of you is reclined. And despite the name, it doesn’t only work on airplanes, but helps your posture even when it’s just on your lap. $19.99
What better item to give to someone you’re sweet on than a dazzling vessel for sugar that’s as useful as it is beautiful? The Zucch sugar castor by designer Lisa Vincitorio, available at Alessi ($49), uses a double glass wall to give the appearance that the sugar is floating.
Alessi Dallas, 5959 Royal Lane, Suite 629. 214-346-5900. Alessi.com.
As the Dallas Theater Center celebrates its 50th year, now under the leadership of gay artistic director Kevin Moriarty, there’s never been a better reason to give the gift of theater. The Holiday Gift Pak includes a two tickets to a two-play subscription (choose from "In the Beginning," "Back, Back, Back" or the world premiere "Sarah Plain and Tall" musical) for just $100. And you can even plan it to include the [email protected] event for gay theatergoers.
Dallas Theater Center, 3636 Turtle Creek Blvd. 214-522-8499. Dallastheatercenter.org.
It may not shine as bright as the sunlamps at your favorite tanning salon, but then again the Cavelleto lamp looks a heck of a lot better on your living room end table. The piece, available at Zuri from designer Trend Lighting ($177), packs a lot of drama in a small space, rising like gravity-defying icicles from a silver base.
Zuri Furniture, 4880 Alpha Road, Dallas. 972-716-9874.
7884 State Highway 121, Frisco. 469-633-9874. ZuriFurniture.com.
GO FOR A TWIRL
Talk about illuminating! This lamp from Dulce is more sculpture than light source. Formed from white onyx in an elegant spiral, with light glimmering through its milky skin, it captures the beauty of the natural world while also being practical. $195.
Dulce Consignment, 2914 Oak Lawn Ave. 214-219-5656.
Dharti accent pillows by Bholu, available in several colors from Cantoni ($99), are about more than style: They are about a philosophy. Handmade by artisans using traditional skills, they are true "fair trade" products that also happen to be glamorous enough to turn any couch or chair into a showpiece.
Cantoni, 4800 Alpha Road. 972-934-9191. Cantoni.com.
WELCOME TO HOOVILLE
Help get the Grinch in your life into the Christmas spirit with oversized hand-painted decorations from California Floral Imports, available at TapeLenders. From a six-foot tall toy soldier ($240) to a 15-inch airplane ($67.50), you can add some Seuss-y delights to any dÃ©cor.
TapeLenders, 3926 Cedar Springs Road. 214-528-6344. Tapelenders.com.
PARADISE LOST… AND FOUND
The sister shops of Lost and Found share more in common than just a counter inside most department stores: They offer gorgeous antiques and reproductions that complement any design sensibility at killer prices, from brilliantly colored art glass ($38 to $75, including this volcano bowl) to a bold horse sculpture in ceramic ($45).
Lost Antiques, 1201 N. Industrial Blvd. 214-741-4411.
Found Antiques, 1225 N. Industrial Blvd. 214-741-5533.
A WREATH-IN’ FOR LIVING
Sure, we all like to think we’re Martha Stewart, decorating our homes entirely with elbow grease and a glue gun, but face it: We need someone else to do most of the work for us. The pre-decorated holiday wreaths and trees from All Occasions Florist provide a near-endless selection of sizes, styles and colors that make any door come alive with Christmas cheer! Starting at $75.
All Occasions Florist, 3428 Oak Lawn Ave. 214-528-0898.
THE MYSTERIOUS ORNAMENT
For the person in your life into classic American dÃ©cor, virtually everything available at Aneita Fern is a must-own, from the Stickley and Mission style furniture to the bold art glass. A good place to start: A hand-blown Christmas ornament from Dallas designer Ann Abernathy, who took inspiration from Frank Lloyd Wright for this "Great Blue Heron" bulb that exudes glamour ($95).
Aneita Fern, 5213 Alpha Road. 972-392-9277. Aneitafern.com.
IT’S A CARNIVAL!
You already know that Elliott’s Hardware is the destination for the home improvement hot-shot in your life, but you can even pick up great gifts for the less mechanically inclined. Try a set of four mouth-blown carnival glasses, available in wine goblets, martini glasses, champagne flutes or even just water tumblers. $49.99.
Elliott’s Hardware, 4901 Maple Ave. 214-634-9900. Elliottshardware.com.