Howard-RussellIt seems everyone now suddenly, this summer, has “vacation” on their minds, and along with all those tan, frolicking queers in turquoise Spandex beach thongs comes, of course, good old summertime-sizzling XXX fantasies of faraway, exotic, one-night-stand strangers whom one never has to ever see or fuck twice, again: Let’s get right to it.

Dear Howard,
Have you ever heard of a “zoo party” before? My life-partner and I attend pig parties a lot — dungeon slings, blindfolded slaves, Tina galore and the like — but I just received an actual, snail-mailed velum invitation card to some zoo orgy thing at the nearby “ranch” of my monthly allowed, “hall pass” hookup. The three-day event is taking place over the 4th of July weekend. His engraved card reads, cryptically, “Are You Prey, Or, Predator? Cum As The Beast You’re Born Wild To Be.” Ugh, cum again now? What’s proper etiquette here, Howard? — Jake

Dear Jake,
Kudos to your life-partner’s Mesozoic benevolence, playa, for bestowing you once-a-month hall passes. He certainly is cutting-edge/homo-trendy — I’m so envious! Regarding your question, though: To my knowledge, and now astonishment, Jake, zoological “safari orgies” hadn’t even so far yet made their underground jump across the pond from the reptilian pits of Berlin and Amsterdam, say nothing of having actually landed already now in Bible Belt Central. With a little research, though, Jake, here are the top 10 LGBT “zoo orgy” party animals’ slang invocations, for all invitees joining in such fanged, bareback expeditions:

1. Bear — husky, large-built, middle-aged, proudly brandishing thick facial, chest and body hair.

2. Cub — younger, thinner, less stocky baby bear (usually a bottom).

3. Chicken — young twink, willowy-skinny with no body hair (tends to be effeminate).

4. Otter — wiry, lean and hairy (older than a chicken but younger and leaner than a bear).

5. Chicken Hawk — older perv who exclusively pursues twinkie chickens and otters.

6. Wolf — muscular, sexually-aggressive, toothsomely predator.

7. Giraffe — handsomely tall, sometimes gangly, lusted by prey and predators alike.

8 Pig — the kinkier and filthier it is, the happier he deviantly wallows in it (as you probably know).

9. Bull — ’roided-up gym junkie, obsessively tipping the scales well north of 200 lbs.
10. Unicorn — the nonexistent, self-proclaimed “100 percent bisexual” (desiring of a threesome sans any jealous conflict).
FYI: A word to the wise here, Jake: If you’re a big ol’ hairy, brutally-alpha top, I’d advise you steer lawfully well clear of showing up to any safari orgy as, oh, Harambe, the recently euthanized Cincinnati Zoo silverback gorilla … that is, if you at all have your raw sights set on abusing any virginally-precious, submissive little chimps.

Dear Howard,
I’m backpacking across continental Europe six weeks later this summer, hitting all the major vice meccas — Copenhagen, Berlin, Amsterdam, Paris, Barcelona, Rome. Could you tell me which country over all has the most well-hung men? — Lucky Bangin’ Backpacker

Dear Lucky,
Well, aren’t we sure going to have a big summer! Fortunately, Howard here is a very globally-seasoned sex traveler, so trust me when I tell you that the most consistently colossal cocks in all of Europe are just awaitin’ you to bend over in — wait for it… Lisbon. Lucky, my man, no size queen sleazily panhandling/hustling his way across the continent should ever skip the prime penises of Portugal.

Dear Howard,
My wife and I are “queer hypocrisy” film buffs: We relish films starring straight actors who laughably attempt portraying themselves gay. We’re heading up soon to our “low-tech” cabin in Santa Fe to escape this annually Stygian Dallas summer swelter and would enjoy some clever DVD suggestions from you to bring along—and don’t dare suggest to us such obviously homophobic bilge as the likes of Boys Don’t Cry, Personal Best, Bound, Heavenly Creatures, Carol, The Children’s Hour or Basic Instinct, or, I swear, we’ll never read your column again.

Dear Bethany,
My heart quivers with fear of losing you, sweet reader.
— Howard Lewis Russell

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition June 24, 2016.