How to do the wrong thing right

Howard-Russell-logo-copyDear Howard,
My gal pals and I have been dishing about Caitlyn Jenner a lot lately. Who hasn’t, right? Apparently, however, I’m the only one of us with gonads enough to express the obviously dissenting theory that Cait is not truly transgender-born at all; instead, my take is that Bruce was merely so homosexually-closeted that the only way he could personally “justify” being sexually attracted to his born gender was by literally transforming himself into a woman.

Mark my words here, too: Despite “Bruce” having insisted to Diane Sawyer that he’s 100 percent turned-on by females exclusively, a la his all-Malibu/psycho-babble nonsense about gender versus sexual persuasion being completely unrelated, I guarantee you that the plastically-lovely now-lady Cait will soon begin dating men—which she’ll scapegoat-attribute, naturally, to her estrogen injections. Mark my words! — Felicia Udell

Dear Ms. F. U.,
Mark my words as well, Felicia: Albeit possibly correct your “theory” (regarding someone whom you’ve never once personally met in your entire life) could prove to be, all assholes are like opinions: The bigger they are, the more crap they extrude.

Dear Howard,
I moved in with my boyfriend only two months ago and already I’m regretting it: Something is seriously wrong with this guy, like, mentally. I think he may be truly crazy, or at the very least bipolar, which somehow I just never saw during the eight months we dated before I sold my condo and moved in with him; it’s amazing what you learn about somebody after you’re living together.

He not only never goes to sleep at night— I’m talkin’ vampire here — but he spends money like some sort of manic Kardashian — cash that he does not have — and on just the most ridiculous crud that he never once uses nor even knows how to: a bamboo bicycle, cases of wildflower seeds from Patagonia, a 3D printer, a sushi machine, the leather-bound works of Edna Ferber, a complete set of titanium golf clubs … like, Howard, can you even name one gay man ever who actually plays golf?

The man is totally nuts! He has no attention span, flittering from one obsession to another; he’s intolerant of constructive criticism, he always plays the victim, he always has to be right, he never apologies for anything, he never seems to learn from his mistakes, and worst of all, he’s always conniving and scheming to, I dunno, just win at all costs, even when there’s nothing to win! — Arthur Mack  

Dear A.M.,
The now-mostly forgotten yet lambasting great, late W.C. Fields said it best: “You can’t cheat an honest man” — i.e., people of moral integrity can only be successfully swindled for a very limited window of time.

There are two scales by which to measure a bipolar person: 1. Altman Self-Rating Mania Scale; 2. Young Mania Rating Scale.

Please do look these scales up, both, Art; oh, and just as a casual FYI mention here for you: psychopathic “hypo-manic bipolar disorder” is genetically inherited.  PS: You might additionally also wish to Google “traits of sociopaths,” too, Mr. Mack, so long as you’re already on this journey operation of wide-eyed, horrific discovery.

Dear Howard,
My new U.S. Supreme-Court-sanctioned young bride here in Dallas, who hails from (gasp!) Preston Hollow, needs a benign cyst removed from under her armpit, which unfortunately I can’t afford; however, her parents will happily foot the bill for it only if/when Tatiana finally “comes to her senses” and annuls our “farce” marriage immediately. What are my options? — Janis

Dear Janis,
I’m going to quote author Judith Flanders here, from her extraordinary book, The Victorian City: “Nothing makes funds available more quickly than the discomfort of the ruling class.”  In other words, Jan, simply hint ever-so-puritanically that you’re not above exposing your beloved new bride’s lofty parents (aka, your amorally bigoted new in-laws!) to be the filthy low self-righteous blackmailers they despicably are. The purse strings should untie surprisingly quickly.
 — Howard Lewis Russell

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 14, 2015.