How to do the wrong thing right

Howard-Russell-logo-copyDear Howard,
I succumbed the other night in finally agreeing to go out with this totally moronic, 6-foot-5 pro athlete from New Orleans who’s been jonesing to date me now for, like, six months. All my star-fu**er drooling “friends” kept haranguing me, “Duh, hello? Who cares what he’s packin’ brain-wise upstairs — the dude wears size 17 cleats!”

I stupidly listened to their warped logic and, well, come that very next morning I had to of course do the walk-of-shame out this idiot’s bedroom exactly when — get this —his ex-wife just bright-and-early happened to show up demanding more alimony; worst of all, to set things straight here: “cleat size” is not a dependable indicator in any way at all.

Is there any physical attribute on a man that’s actually reliable? — Size Queen Carlos.

Dear Carlos,
Extend your right hand, fingers together, Carl: Is your index finger (the one next to your thumb) shorter than your ring finger (the one next to your pinky)?

Men with short index fingers and long ring fingers are the most well-hung, according to a 2011 study published in the Journal of Andrology: Bottom line, the shorter a man’s index finger is, relative to the ring finger—likely a result of testosterone exposure in the womb—the longer his penis is. This is science.

That aside, my advice is: Inform your size-obsessed friends to stop choosing dates for you based upon antiquated “shoe size” old wives’ tales. Instead, just steal a peek at any given stud’s index finger; the stubbier it is, the more operatically higher your voice will be, Carlotta, when yodeling “Oh, When the Saints Come Marching In!” in a cappella soprano ecstasy behind closed doors to your future Mr. Big topping you in the privacy of his bedroom.

Dear Howard,
I’ve been dating my same boyfriend now for two years, doing the same ol’ thrills over and over (and over) in bed with him, and I’m just plain old bored as hell in the sack at this point. Both of us travel for work regularly a lot; he probably cheats on me out of town, even though I try not to cheat on him when I’m likewise traveling myself (though a man does make mistakes on occasion). I do love him, and I want to stay with him and make things work. So: Any viable suggestions for me … us, rather, I mean? — Precious Pete.

Dear Peter, Precious Pumpkin Eater,
In all the history of Gayville’s existence (i.e., my experience), there has never been even so much as one recorded instance of any successful, long-term/long-haul relationship succeeding via both partner’s 100 percent allegiance to monogamy. In fact, just the opposite is true: Every successful gay relationship achieves long-term/long-haul success exclusively because each partner is able to carnally compartmentalize “dumb lust” from “devoted love.”

Therefore, Precious, I suggest you wake up to this simple fact: Momentous love is not, nor ever will be, predicated on sexual monogamy. (Oh, and Dan Savage agrees with me.)

Dear Howard,
I bought a new, too-fabulous designer shirt the other day (for only $327!) that my husband refuses to allow me now wear out in public because he says it makes me look, quote, “Too faggoty.” Help? — Cornelius.

Dear Corny,
Was it your husband’s money you used to purchase your “too fabulous” versus “too faggoty” new shirt, or, was it your own money you used?

Uh-huh. That’s what Dear Howard here thought. Return the shirt now, Cornelius.
 — Howard Lewis Russell

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This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 17, 2015.