How to do what’s wrong right

HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL  | Special Contributor

Dear Howard,

My best bud and I are planning a motorcycle trip through southern Europe this spring. Any chance you could direct us toward some countries where we’d most likely find the biggest concentration of, ahem, impressive attractions to enjoy? I trust this question isn’t too vaguely worded for you not to figure out (hint-hint) what I’m referring to. — Bad4Bone

Dear Bone Collector,

“Too vaguely worded,” BB?  Dora the Explorer herself and the dingbat Doodle Bops would grasp perfectly your vacation’s objective. So: Head those Harley hogs down the coastline of western Iberia. You and your horndawg bud will enjoy the most fulfilling enjoyments of your lives once in Lisbon. The Portuguese, bar none, pack the most (hint-hint) “impressive attractions” in Europe. Tell them Rick Steves sent you.

Dear Howard,

I lead a “normal” life as a married man (to a woman). I’m 42. We got married young — a shotgun wedding, if you will — but we’ve raised two beautiful children: one now in college, the other a high school honors’ senior. My astute wife, however, has become justly dubious of my many “late nights spent at the office” recently and is confronting me with point-blank questions regarding why I’ve suddenly joined a gym four days a week; why I’m dying my gray hair; and why I’m manscaping for the first time. I still love my wife … in a way. Our marriage, if success can be measured by raising exemplary children, is something I’m proud of. To be honest, though, I’ve been very lonely even before this unraveling at my marriage’s seams began. Any suggestions for how I should proceed? Thank you. — Paler Than Blue

Dear Daddy Milquetoast,

I can read between the lines. Understand, Blue: This secret boy-toy of yours with whom you’re experiencing ecstasy on the sly is in no way whatsoever worth estranging your fine children. Fortunately, both should have the maturity not to particularly mind that you’ve discovered your latent homosexuality and gone on a tear — I suspect your repressed orientation will hardly come as a shock to them. Your priority is to ensure that you are an absolute, total gentleman toward your good wife during her upcoming divorce proceedings … and don’t delude yourself for one second into believing that it’s possible to have things both ways — a stalwart wife of many years does not take kindly toward remaining married once the boy you’ve been cheating on her with has been discovered.

Dear Howard,

My brother ran away from home four years ago, when I was 15. Mike’s two years older than me — he was still in high school when he dashed. Nobody heard from him afterwards except me, but that stopped cold after six months. Mike said he was in Oak Cliff at first, hanging with his boyfriend, but he shut me down after he accused me of snitching to Dad, which I wasn’t. Worse, Dad took my phone away, so Mike couldn’t ever text me again. When I turned 18 finally, and got my own phone, Mike’s old number didn’t work anymore. Howard, could you run this letter in your column, and if Mike reads it, would it be OK for him to hit you back so I’d know how to get back in touch with him? I’ve hit a wall here, man. — Sidney

Dear Sidney,

Although it’s not usually in the investigative habit of my (fluffy) column to petition for a manhunt, in light of your earnestness and refreshingly innocent candor, I’m delighted to make an exception: Yes, absolutely, I’ll be happy to pass word back to you, young man, should your long-lost/yearned-for older sibling read the posted query above and respond.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition December 7, 2012.