We get down and dirty about great gay uses of household items with home products guru Joey Green

RICH LOPEZ  | Staff Writer lopez@dallasvoice.com

TASK MASTER  |  Green is G-rated on TV, but offers us tips for gays armed with risque household items.
TASK MASTER | Green is G-rated on TV, but offers us tips for gays armed with risque household items.

Dallas Market Hall
2200 N. Stemmons Freeway
Sept. 11–12. $9.
See site for schedule. HomeandGardenMarket.com

He’s been on The View, Good Morning America and The Tonight Show and has published dozens of books, but you might not recognize Joey Green if you saw him on the streets. He’s more in the “OK, I know who you’re talking about” vein of celebrity.

Green is famous for applying useful but unusual uses for everyday products. Did you know Spam makes a great furniture polisher, or that lemon Kool-Aid is ideal for rust removal? Those are the kind of crazy but engaging tips he’ll bring to this weekend’s Home and Garden Market Show at Dallas Market Hall.

Although married with kids, Green has a gay man’s sense of camp (one of his books, which deconstructs The Wizard of Oz, posits that the

Cowardly Lion was a friend of Dorothy in more ways than one). Some of his advice is especially useful to gay people for their, let’s say, intimate reasons —or sometimes just great for a drag queen’s makeup case. In these economical times, it’s better to take items in the house than going to the store for a specific cleaner.

Despite his mild-mannered tone, Green is fine discussing his shtick with risqué bravado — his uses for contraceptives and tampons are usually redlined by his editors. Take, for instance, the simple condom. Playing safe is still in, but Green says they have multiple uses.

“Condoms are good if you’re hit in the nose or have a sore back,” he says. “Just fill it with water, freeze and [you have an] instant ice pack.  You can also put them on top a straight wooden handle shovel or mop or similar item — they work like a pencil eraser and keep it from sliding down and keep scruff marks off the walls.”

Makeup and beauty tips are abundant in Green’s books — many handy for a drag queen. In his newest, Joey Green’s Cleaning Magic, he puts nail polish remover, petroleum jelly and hair dryers to work beyond their original uses. But panty hose are a big item with Green.

“They are expensive,” he says. ”A lot of money is going down the drain. Save ‘em, ball ‘em up and they are great for polishing furniture. The nylon acts as a mild abrasive. They are great for cleaning car windshields and strainers, like for paint — just pour it through. Also, if a drag queen is late to a show because her fan belt gave out in her car, pantyhose can be tied in a knot and looped to replace it and get back on the road.”

Green doesn’t miss a beat when we mention what else Crisco can be used for other than cooking and … well, we left it at that.

“There are many uses for that. Crisco is all-natural made of soybean and cottonseed oils. It’s a great moisturizer. Just rub a dab on your skin. Keep some in the garage because it takes off oil and grease. And it gets lipstick stains out of clothes. “

Kinky and erotic does not escape Green. He could write an entire book with this angle alone, although instead he’s working on a project that gives tips and cures for pets. But he’s more willing to talk up the positives of a large roll of Saran Wrap in the house.  Whether it’s covering food, or the significant other, it’s a godsend.

“Well, don’t use it as a condom,” he orders. “Saran Wrap is great for holding screws in position. [Ed. note: Yes!] If a small screw is hard to hold, put it through the wrap to hold.  Putting it over a used tin of paint keeps it from hardening and it can cover small holes in windows.”

Finally, he breaks a bit. Food has its place in fun romps, but he tells us what else a cucumber is good for.

“Well,” he chuckles, “I know you can eat those.”

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 10, 2010