Our sassy guide to nice (and naughty) V-Day gifts

From $10 trinkets with zip to big-ticket items that inspire LGBTQ togetherness (and nakedness), these are the gifts to give for Love’s big hurrah.

 Beyoncé Pencil Set, pictured. Tell him “Boy, Hi!” with this Beyoncé-inspired five-pack pencil set (made exclusively by women, because who runs the world? Girls! They run the world), each embossed in gold with a famous Bey-ism, like “I Ain’t Sorry,” “What Would Beyoncé Do?” and “I Twirl On Them Haters” — because fucking right she does. $10, shop.whohaha.com.

Tom of Finland Wine + Cork Shadow Box. Juices will flow when you open Tom of Finland’s Outstanding red wine — a blend of zinfandel, merlot, cabernet sauvignon and petite syrah — featuring labels of the brand’s iconic artwork. Afterward, start a collection of keepsake corks with a custom-made shadow box that promises everlasting companionship for couples that like to get hammered together. $24, tomoffindlandwines.com; $60, homewetbar.com.

Braun Shaving System. Facial (and body!) hair is essential to a large portion of the gay community, but that doesn’t mean even the grizzliest of bears don’t appreciate a bit of manscaping. Braun has been making devices for brawny boys for decades that help keep the hirsute looking sharp with sophisticated shaving systems, such as the Series 3 ProSkin trimmer or even the Multi Grooming Kit with an attachment for every need. $29–$100, Braun.com.

Kodak Printomatic. Yesteryear’s point-and-shoot camera meets today’s in-an-instant technology in Kodak’s Printomatic, which produces 2×3-inch full color and black-and-white photos with adhesive backing directly from the camera’s body. Start a scrapbook of your adventures with bae using the line’s decorating tools, like vibrant gel pen sets, mini photo punchers, border stickers and more. $70, kodak.com.

Dick Bouquet Prints. New Jersey-based artist Dylan Wise takes still life to a bold new level with his daring graphite and colored pencil series Blooming Hard, featuring hand-drawn, at-attention penises (of real subjects) surrounded by a bouquet of delicate, never-wilting flower blossoms. Commissions of your own (or S.O.’s) member available; message the artist on Etsy. $80-$400, etsy.com/shop/bloomingbydylan.

Soothe Massage Service. Strip down and let somebody else take you to heaven with their hands with an on-demand massage via Soothe, offering spa-quality massages wherever you are. Make it an in-home couple’s retreat with deep tissue, Swedish, or sports massages plus all the accoutrements, including massage tables, fresh linens, lotions, oils and relaxing music delivered right to your door. $119–$225, soothe.com.

California Dates + Champagne-Infused Ice Pops. Ditch the heart-shaped boxes of Russell Stover and budget-busting perennials in favor of an offbeat approach to sweets and treats:  Rancho Meladuco’s plump, juicy California dates paired with a bouquet of FrutaPOP’s boozy passion fruit champagne ice pops. A new nontraditional tradition is born (for less than the cost of those dead-in-a-day roses). $16–$18, ranchomeladuco.com; $60, frutapop.com.

Hair-On Cowhide Shoes. Natural hair-on cowhide with unique mottled patterns will make a statement when y’all step out for dinner and a movie, but it’s also something you can feel good about:  Each pair of Uwezos purchased provides a percentage of profits to Empower African Children to help students across the continent achieve higher education. $125–$165, uwezobrands.com.

TRNTBL + Vinylgram. Dust off your sex-spiked vinyls (or spring for a new one, like Justin Timberlake’s just-released Man of the Woods LP) for a spin on the Bluetooth-enabled, social-connected TRNTBL for a filthy date night in…  or if you prefer a little more romance, play your personally recorded Vinylgram message to make him melt like hot chocolate in your pocket. $499, trntbl.co; $20, vinylgram.co.

Cafflano Klassic Coffee Maker. This all-in-one portable coffee maker — it grinds, filters and drips into a travel mug for a hot-and-ready pick-me-up — will save enough time in the morning that you two can sneak in a rise-and-shine lay-me-down. $95, primarygroup.net.

TerraTrike Tandem Bike. Quality time spent on the Rover Tandem trike — outfitted with a chro-moly steel frame, hand-built Velocity wheels and Schwalbe Marathon tires — will help keep those calves of steel in shape even when you two skip leg day. $2,398, terratrike.com.

Cluventure Surprise Vacay. Take your better half on a getaway to remember — complete with “treasure” hunt! — that begins when you receive clues in the mail that lead you to a surprise destination. Cluventure develops vacation programs based on your travel and activity preferences, but where you’ll end up is a secret until departure day. LGBTQ-friendliness considered when booking. Price based on itinerary, cluventuretravel.com.            

 — Mikey Rox