One has to wonder what in hell the Ford Motor Company was thinking when they named their product “the Probe.” If that’s not the gayest car name of all time, it is hard to imagine what is.

Well, there are some others. Obviously Oscar Meyer’s Wienermobile is not only audibly hysterical, but dresses for fantasy. While the Pinto may seem inoffensive to English speakers, that word means “little penis” in several Latin American countries. And what gay man is gonna admit to having a Mini (left)?

Which got us thinking: How gay are other car names, past and present (mostly past)?
I enlisted the help of my best (straight) friend to search his crazy brain for a few more. When we put our minds to it, a surprising number of contenders emerged.

Too much ass. In schoolyard fashion, we happened upon a lot that use the word (or sound) “ass” in one form or another: Chrysler Aspen, Ford Aspire, Chevy Astro, VW Passat, or Pontiac Aztek (do automakers really think through this?). While once the most popular car in America, the Oldsmobile Cutlass conjures ideas I’m sure few of its drivers ever considered. I wonder if you could do the nasty in a Dodge Dynasty.

Uh-huh. A newbie might discover his Newport by Chrysler or get/give his first Hummer (above) in the bed of a Lincoln Blackwood. Hopefully, that will keep him from getting blue balls. Wanna take your partner to heaven through a Subaru Outback? That might depend on the size of your Jimmy.

2012-MiniAnybody up for a Lancer — Dodge, Mitsubishi or otherwise? When you’re feeling kinky, a long, vibrating Dodge Ramcharger might rock your rump. I would also like to rip the tight satin clothes off of a bull-fighting Matador, although I would stay away from anything else from American Motors — it’s hard to get sexy with a Gremlin, Pacer or Hornet. A 1970 Dodge Dart would be entertaining enough if it didn’t also come in a Swinger edition. Of course, if you are equal parts top and bottom, there’s always declaring yourself Versa (by Nissan, that is).

Queeny. A real queen would revel in the 1950s-era Dodge LaFemme, a Lancer-based glam-mobile painted sapphire white and heather rose. While aimed at women, it would surely find favor with club queens given its rear storage compartment for a girl’s compact, cigarette case, lighter and raincoat — don’t forget your raincoat.

My all-time favorite could have inspired my favorite lady from my favorite city. The Lady Chablis may have blurred the boundaries between gay man, drag queen and full-on trannie in

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, but she was most famous for hiding her “T,” or “Truth.” One has to wonder exactly what Ford model her T would most enjoy. Though really, a drag queen should really only drive one car.

A Trans Am, of course.

— Casey Williams

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 11,, 2013.