Horror movie hardbodies to die for

 

friv101716johnnydeppEvery horror movie spectator chooses one character as soon as the story starts to unfold that they hope will make it out alive — and for us gays, it’s usually the one who’s most physically appealing. We know full well they’ll be among the first to meet the business end of a machete, meat hook, saw, pitchfork, [enter your weapon of choice here] about halfway through (after sufficient skin time on screen, of course), but that doesn’t deter us from pining for them any less. It’s what make us, us.

Here, I’ve compiled some of the more memorable scary-movie standouts — some still alive and kickin’ by the end, some six feet under — to remind us all just how precious life is when there’s a killer on the loose, especially when you have a pretty face.

The Cast of The Covenant. It only took a decade for Hollywood to deliver the male equivalent of The Craft, and The Covenant didn’t disappoint – so long as you judge this proverbial book by its cover and not its content, anyway. The movie’s main characters — all too-cool-for-school, pre-Gossip Girl-esque locker jocks (one of whom, Dallas’ Chace Crawford, would actually fulfill that destiny a year later) — spend so time emerging from swimming pools and standing around dripping wet in their Speedos (between casting spells and killing people, of course) that you don’t even notice how bad the film really is. Alas, the guys’ combined powers couldn’t save this dud from a 3-percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, ranking No. 31 on the site’s “Worst of the Worst,” but their svelte, college-bound torsos still got 10s across the board.

Johnny Depp, above. Before Johnny Depp’s career took a sharp right toward cinema’s quintessential character actor, he played boy-next-door types who fancied crop-topped football jerseys and exhibited serious lack of judgment in his choice of mentally compromised companions. As a result, he was dragged through his own mattress by Freddy Krueger’s iconic claws before being splattered across his bedroom ceiling in an eruption of blood — leaving you scarred for life for the past 30 years.

Mike Vogel. You knew Mike Vogel — he of incredible ass-dom (which explains how his career got the jump off as a Levi’s model) — wasn’t making it out of Leatherface’s clutches alive in 2003’s remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. On his return trip from Mexico to buy weed with his friends — a decision that only added insult to injury (drugs are bad, kids!) — the group was intercepted by one of horror’s ultimate villains by whom his leg was expeditiously chopped off before he was impaled on a meat hook to dry out like a bag of beef jerky.

friv101716mattbomerMatt Bomer. This flick, a prequel to 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre — DOA among critics and fans alike — was the adorable Bomer’s second appearance on film after Flightplan, starring Jodie Foster. Despite succumbing to a chainsaw up the groin halfway through the movie, Bomer managed to grab screen time until the end … as Leatherface’s freshly skinned mask.

Selma Hayek. Queen vampire Santanico Pandemonium, played by Selma Hayek in Texas director Robert Rodriguez’s bloodbath of a cult hit From Dusk Till Dawn, wreaks havoc in more places than the movie’s Titty Twister strip club — like that special spot where lewd and lascivious intersect in every lesbian’s love box.

Jay Hernandez. Impossibly good-looking Jay Hernandez (Suicide Squad) barely made it out alive in director Eli Roth’s torture-porn magnum opus Hostel — sans a few fingers — and serves just deserts to the Dutch Businessman bent on keeping the Elite Hunting Club’s devious secrets safe. But despite surviving the hellish events of the first film, Hernandez reprises his role briefly in Hostel 2 before losing his head — literally — in the first five minutes.

Ryan Phillippe. Phillippe, well-to-do and -on-the-eyes resident bad boy of I Know What You Did Last Summer (which, along with its ’90s predecessor Screa_, reinvigorated the slasher genre for a whole new generation), made homo boys in theaters across the country wiggle in their seats less for his dramatic stabbing during the annual Croaker Pageant and more for the locker-room scene where we were all treated to a little towel bulge and a generous helping of that terry-clothed ass.

Christian Bale. Listen, if you’re going to be hunted down by a naked chainsaw-wielding maniac, it might as well be a buff-as-ever Christian Bale. You know, right after he gets done satisfying your carnal proclivities and smackin’ you around a bit while he admires his own biceps. Best Saturday night you’ve ever had.

The cast of MTV’s Teen Wolf. OK, so MTV’s Teen Wolf isn’t a movie, but what it lacks in tight feature-length characterization and storytelling it more than makes up for in tight torso-ed supernatural creatures masquerading as students. Tyler Posey and Tyler Hoechlin, Dylan O’Brien and the Carver Twins all have proven themselves worthy of fanboy swoons, but at least in this article let’s all hail out-and-proud Colton Haynes, who became an object of our collective affection (for two seasons at least) as lacrosse team bully Jackson Whittemore — who can body check us any day.

— Mikey Rox

 

 

—  Arnold Wayne Jones

Electronica popsters STRFKR talks its gay bar origins before tonight’s show at Prophet Bar

Last year, Starfucker (or STRFKR for short) released its impressive  sophomore album Reptilians, a trippy endeavor that showed some interesting growth since their 2008 self-titled debut. Dare I say, they sound like what Pink Floyd might have if they had gone the synthy-dreamy route.

Bassist Shawn Glassford, above far right, took a few moments to talk about their first show ever at the San Francisco Eagle, how they might fare at our own Dallas Eagle and whether he would top or bottom for Ryan Gosling.

Read our Q&A after the jump. Then catch them at The Prophet Bar tonight with Painted Palms and Alexico.

—  Rich Lopez

Did you miss the 4D display last night at the Praetorian downtown? No worries

This may seem a lot of trouble for a mere movie trailer, but it was so worth it. Last night, great measures were taken to give a whole lot of Dallasites (especially downtowners) the pleasure of seeing the trailer for The Tourist with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. The old Praetorian building was turned into a 4d mapped movie screen by the peeps at IllumeNight and pretty much kicked ass all over. Imagine if they had done it for Burlesque.

Thanks to a couple of YouTube posters, you can watch it in the comfort of indoors.

—  Rich Lopez

Get lost in ‘Wonderland’ at the Festival of Independent Theatres

Alice is looking a little FIT lately

The Festival of Independent Theatres is back, featuring eight local theaters and a slew of new plays. We’re curious to see how company White Rock Pollution will convey its retelling of Alice in Wonderland that looks to be a whole lot darker than the original, and in real-life 3-D, unlike that Johnny Depp movie.

DEETS: Bath House Cultural Center, 521 E. Lawther Drive. Through Aug. 7. $12–$16. ATTPAC.org

—  Rich Lopez

Best Bets • 07.16.10

Saturday 07.17

Happy birthday to you, GayBingo
Our favorite game turns nine years old this year and to help celebrate, Kidd Kraddick in the Morning cohost Kellie Raspberry comes in to host Not Another GayBingo. The GB peeps also want you to dress up for the birthday party or maybe it’s a bribe. They will offer discounts to anyone dressed in drag.

DEETS: Rose Room inside Station 4, 3911 Cedar Springs Road. 5 p.m. $25. RCDallas.org.

Sunday 07.18

Alice is looking a little FIT lately
The Festival of Independent Theatres is back, featuring eight local theaters and a slew of new plays. We’re curious to see how company White Rock Pollution will convey its retelling of Alice in Wonderland that looks to be a whole lot darker than the original, and in real-life 3-D, unlike that Johnny Depp movie.

DEETS: Bath House Cultural Center, 521 E. Lawther Drive. Through Aug. 7. $12–$16. ATTPAC.org

Thursday 07.22

You won’t forget this lady’s Haus party
The last time we saw Gaga perform in Dallas was at the Round-Up when she was another club singer finding her audience. And boy did she. She comes back arena style, selling out many of large venues, and the gays have followed her through to superstar status. For two nights, AAC becomes the Haus of Gaga.

DEETS: American Airlines Center, 2500 Victory Ave. July 22–23. 8 p.m. $49–$175. Ticketmaster.com.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 16, 2010.

—  Kevin Thomas

'Alice' in blunderland

For months, the Disney marketing machine behind the live action, CGI-heavy Alice in Wonderland has seemed presumptuous: Johnny Depp’s face; the familiar title; Tim Burton as the director; audiences will appear.

And maybe they will. But to me, it has all seemed just so lazy. I haven’t been excited to see it; I know few people who are. And it turns out I was right. Why after the jump.

—  Arnold Wayne Jones