Puppy in need of adoption — save me from myself!

My name is Gulliver. Help me find a home.

Every week in the print edition, we profile the Pet of the Week; this is not that. This is an act of self-preservation.

Some very evil lesbians, who know what a soft touch I am with needy puppies, have tried to get me to adopt a fourth dog. I once had four dogs at once, but none were puppies and none over 30 lbs.; I currently have a 40+ lb. 9-month-old Lab named Gulliver who is as much work as two dogs alone. (Here’s more proof they are evil: They stole the name Gulliver for their new dog less than a month after I did.)

So why does all this matter? Because these women have another rescue they are taking care of named Buddy, and they can’t keep him. If they don’t adopt him out soon, they will trick me into taking him and we can’t have that. So one of you needs to step up.

Here’s the deal: Buddy is about 10 months old, probably a Chow- or hound-and-Shar Pei mix who was discovered in a neighbor’s front yard suffering from dehydration, starvation and injuries from a fight with a larger dog. He’s something of a miracle baby. His recovery is progressing: He’s already added 6 lbs. to his skinny frame. He’s probably as big as he’s gonna get. And by Monday, he’s have all his vaccinations and lose his testicles. In other words, the perfect boyfriend.

If you can adopt him — and please, somebody, do it! I can’t take another pet! My cat will commit suicide! — contact e-mail Gyrlchef@yahoo.com.

—  Arnold Wayne Jones

And the winner, by a whisker, is … not Beckham

If you were watching USA network last night — or the rebroadcast this morning — you saw Beckham, the locally owned black cocker spaniel, win the best in sporting group award at the Westminster Dog Show. That qualified him for a 1-in-7 shot at the best in show title. Alas, it was not meant to be: The favorite, a Scottish deerhound, took the prize. They don’t present second or third place finishes, but Beckham was clearly a star, as was, to me, the Shar-pei and the foxhound.

Watching, I also learned the most popular breeds by AKC registration for the last year. In ascending order:  the Daschund, the boxer, the bulldog, the golden retriever, the beagle, the Yorkie, the German shepherd and the most popular: The Labrador retriever. I own or have owned mutt versions of five of those (including a current Lab mix), though only one registered purebred. And she was insane.

Congrats, Beckham, on your top finish at Westminster! You have nothing to be ashamed of. (I hear the deerhound sniffed the judge’s ass. …)

—  Arnold Wayne Jones

Pet of the week • 09.17.10

MasterMaster is an unusual but regal-looking mix of collie and shar pei. He has the coloring of a collie, with a short red coat and a plush white bib, but the definite facial features of a shar pei. Master is 10 months old and pretty much full grown at about 55 pounds. Despite his rather serious expression, Master is friendly, gentle and calm.

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Master and many other great dogs, cats, puppies and kittens are available for adoption from the Dallas Animal Services Adoption Center, located at 1818 N. Westmoreland at I-30 on the northeast corner. The shelter is open Tuesday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. and Sundays from noon to 5 p.m.; closed Mondays. The cost to adopt is $85 for dogs and $55 for cats and includes spay/neuter surgery, vaccinations, microchip and more. All dogs are negative for heartworms, and cats have been tested for FeLV and FIV. For more information, visit www.DallasAnimalServices.org or call 214-671-0249.

This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition September 17, 2010.

—  Michael Stephens